Wounded Boys/Heroic Men

 

A Guide for Healing from Childhood Abuse

for Men and Their Partners

 

 

 

 

 

By

Daniel Jay Sonkin, Ph.D.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter One   

Wounded Men, Wounded Boys

 

       The first time Sam called my office to make an appointment his voice was soft but urgent. He said that he needed to see me immediately, he had a real problem: His wife had given him an ultimatum--"Either get into counseling or get a lawyer"--and then she had walked out. Two days later, when I opened the door to let him into the office, I was surprised to see a 250-pound man who looked like a guard for the San Francisco 49ers.

       He seemed reluctant and angry as he entered my office and I had the feeling he was not there by choice. I asked him to sit on the sofa. He sat down, crossed his arms on his chest, and crossed his legs. His expression challenged me: "Okay. Do your thing, Doc."

       Sam was probably feeling the same way I did during my first session in a therapist's office; I didn't know what to say or expect. So I made nothing of his defensive posture. Instead, I asked, "Have you ever been to a counselor before?"

       "Just once with my wife, but not alone," he said. "In fact I've always figured that therapy was for people who were a little crazy. My wife was seeing a therapist because one of her friends was seeing one. That's probably how all the trouble started in the first place, and now I'm here."

       "Many men who enter into therapy for the first time think the same thing," I responded, and tried to reassure him that I didn't think that he was crazy. "People seek a therapist's help for many reasons. Usually they're just looking for help with a personal problem from a person who can present them with a fresh point of view."

       He breathed a sigh of relief, unfolded his arms, and uncrossed his legs. I asked, "What specifically brings you here today?"       

       "My wife left me this weekend. We've been fighting a lot lately and I think she's just had it with me and my temper."

       I asked about his temper.

       "I want to be left alone when I get angry," he responded, "so I go off by myself. My wife follows me and keeps pushing my buttons. She says, 'Talk to me. You never talk to me.' Then I get so mad I begin to talk to her. But it's more like yelling. I kind of rant and rave. After a while I just calm down."

       I asked how his wife felt about his "going off by myself."

       "I don't know," he said. "Frustrated, I suppose. If she doesn't like it she should just leave me alone."

       I asked a similar question about his "yelling."

       "I don't know. Maybe she gets pissed off," he said. "She says she gets scared."

       Why, I asked, did he think she felt that way?

       "I think her father used to beat her up pretty badly."

       "And have you ever felt like hitting her?"

       He said emphatically, "It's crossed my mind a couple of times."

       Then I asked if he had ever done that.

       "Well, once before," he said, cutting off his words.

       "Can you talk about it?"

       During what was a long pause, I noticed that Sam was quite uncomfortable talking about what happened. He probably had never told anyone about the violence.  So I said, "I know talking about these problems can feel embarrassing. But maybe I can help you understand your situation from a different perspective so that you can approach your problems differently. Maybe you would feel better just to talk about it. That's what counseling is really all about. Tell me what happened."       "Well," he began, "About five years ago I was drinking heavily and we got into a big fight about her family visiting. She's very close with them--always talking to them on the phone and going to visit." He paused, as if the memory was becoming clearer in his mind, then added, "I had just come home from work and had had a really bad day. Before she even asked me about my day she came right up to me and told me that she had already invited them to come visit us for two weeks. I said OK, but inside I knew it wasn't. I just got real quiet. I guess you might say I started moping around the house." Suddenly his tone became almost confessional. "Then I was slamming doors, throwing things down. I wasn't very nice to her. I was in the bedroom watching the news and she came in to talk. She starting asking me how I was feeling. Once she started seeing this therapist, she was always asking me, 'How do you feel?' I don't know how the fuck I feel! So I just ignored her."

       At this point Sam's eyes became intense, and his voice grew angry as he remembered. "Finally she was right up in my face telling me if I wasn't going to communicate with her that there was no point being together. The next thing I knew I was on top of her, screaming as loud as I could. I had my hands around her neck and I was choking her. I mean I wasn't really choking her, but I was holding her down." Then the confessional tone returned. "I know that there's no excuse for it, but it was a bad time for me at work and she got real angry at me, accusing me of not wanting her family to visit."

       I asked him if there had been some truth to that statement.

       "I guess so," he said. "I'm not very close to my own family and I felt a little jealous of her relationship with hers."

       "What happened afterwards?"

       "We didn't talk all night and most of the next day. And then we just kind of forgot about it."

       "We?"

       "Well, I tried to."

       I challenged him to think about whether or not she wanted to forget about the fight.

       "Not from the sound of this letter she left me."

       Sam's way of resolving the argument was by promising to never do it again. And although he never physically abused her again, he would frequently abuse her psychologically with threats and putdowns. They went to a counselor together. Sam talked about his alcoholic father, who also had a violent temper. The therapist recommended that Sam get into counseling as well.  As far as Sam was concerned, his father was history. Like many men who were abused, he couldn't see how digging up the past would change today. Sam was convinced that if Carol would just back off he wouldn't get so mad. He agreed to make a few calls to therapists but always found reasons for not going, the best being money. After a while Carol just stopped nagging him about it. He came home last Friday after work and found this note:

 

Dear Sam,

         I can't live with your anger any more. I've been waiting three years for you to get help and you always have had an excuse why not to go to therapy. I'm not exactly sure why you are so afraid to look at your childhood, but I guess that something happened that was very hurtful and frightening. I know that whatever happened then is still hurting you today. I have tried talking about it, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried being understanding and patient. Nothing seems to help.  You are either cold, distant, and withdrawn, or you're exploding out of control. I can't get close to you. I am still you will become violent with me again. I can't live with your pain and rage any longer. I can tell you are avoiding having contact with me. You're either at work, fixing something around the house, out with your friends, or drinking and watching television. Please get help before you hurt yourself or someone else. I want you to know that I am safe and will call in about a week, after I have had some time to sort things out for myself.

Love, Carol

 

       I asked him what he thought she meant when she said "something happened that was very hurtful and frightening."

       Sam lowered his head onto his hand and rested his elbow on the armrest of the couch. There was a long silence. His voiced quivered as he replied, "I don't know why this is important."

       "It's only important if whatever happened yesterday still gets in the way of your life today."

       "I don't know if that's true."

       I asked him if he was willing to find out.

       "Why is this so fucking important?" His tone of his voice noticeably changed to anger. "It's my marriage that's falling apart."

       His face was turning red and he was pounding his fist on the armrest as he spoke. This calm man was beginning to transform before my eyes. No matter how important I thought it was that he face his demons, we weren't going to get anywhere unless he thought so as well. I wanted to help him get through these powerful emotions, so I asked him how he was feeling right now, hoping that he didn't think I was sounding like his wife.

       "I'm fine."

       "Then I'd like you to take a minute to check in with how your body is feeling. How do your arms and hands feel? How about your chest and stomach? What about your head and neck? What are your physical sensations?"

       Sam quietly reflected on these questions. I could tell that he was focusing his attention to the various parts of his body. He looked up and said, "I'm kind of tense in my stomach and my shoulders."

       "And as you were asking me, 'Why is this so fucking important,' what were you doing with your body? Was there a change in your tone of voice?" I hoped that helping him get in touch with his physical and behavioral signs to emotions would make it easier for him to identify his anger.

       "Yeah, I guess I was pounding my fist and I raised my voice."

       I asked what he was feeling at that moment.

       "Maybe I was beginning to feel a little pissed off."

       "About what?"

       "Well, I guess I didn't like hearing that I needed to talk about my family stuff." He paused, then added with emphasis, "You're the third person to tell me that. I don't think it's that important. But I am about to lose my marriage, so I'm willing to do anything to stop that from happening."

       Sam's story is typical of many men who were victims of childhood abuse. His life is troubled and he feels that it's beyond his control. He is not so much interested in seeking personal help for himself as he is trying to "fix" his marriage. He has a great deal of difficulty identifying and communicating his feelings. He doesn't see the importance of talking about his childhood experiences and how they may have been partly the cause of his problems today. Like many men Sam is not clear about how therapy works and why it can be useful in solving problems.  Like many wounded men Sam has a pain inside that he tries not to think about or feel. But when someone starts to ask specific questions about what happened in his childhood, how he felt then and how he feels now, he begins to drop his guard and many of those old feelings rush in.

       After several sessions Sam was finally able to acknowledge that he had been abused as a boy. His father beat him with a belt, a stick, or whatever was convenient, and Sam frequently had welts on his back, bottom, and legs. He refused to go swimming or wear shorts during the summer for fear that others would see his injuries. And his father's violence was not restricted to him. Sam frequently watched his father physically abuse his mother. The son could not recall a week passing without his father coming home drunk and getting into a fight with his mother. Typically his father slapped his mother and pushed her around. On several occasions Sam remembered his father choking his mother unconscious. Sam also recalled being so fearful of his father that he couldn't move. This is Sam's most vivid memory:

 

One night I was watching TV after a tense dinner. We were all walking on eggshells trying not to get Dad upset. He used to get real angry if anyone would scrape their plate with their fork or knife. All I could think about was not making a single noise. I was so focused on my plate that I don't even remember anything anyone said. I learned how to shut the world out. Anyway, the inevitable happened. Someone said or did something wrong and he went crazy. He grabbed my mother by the hair and dragged her into the living room. He was beating the shit out of her. I was so terrified all I could do was keep looking at my plate so as to not make any noise. I glanced toward the living room briefly to see him choking her. Her entire face was blue. I couldn't move. I was terrified. What would he do to me if I tried to stop him? I looked back at my plate and just kept eating.

      

       As a result of these and other experiences Sam felt a great deal of anger, rage, and hurt. But he never expressed those feelings because it was neither safe nor encouraged. Therefore he never learned how to deal with these or other intense emotions in an appropriate way. Instead he would stuff them deep inside, hoping they would never show their ugly heads. Because he had no healthy way to ventilate these strong emotions he would resort to what he learned as a boy when feeling intense anger, hurt, or fear. Whenever conflict would arise in his marriage, a flood of strong emotions would immediately surface. One time his anger led to physical violence, at other times he would become verbally abusive and intimidating.

       Sam also told me that there were times when he felt as if he was "being possessed" by his feelings: "When we first started talking about the abuse, I would leave your office with this sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. It was twisting, wrenching. It was as if I was a wet towel being wrung. Sometimes I would be sitting quietly or at my work and I would begin to think about what happened. Then I'd panic. I felt possessed by these intense feelings. All I could do to stop myself from screaming was to distract myself. Five o'clock never came soon enough." This is a common reaction early in the healing process. As old memories begin to surface you are also likely to feel the old emotions associated with the abuse.

       These intense feelings were present even when Sam was mad. His wife, Carol, felt his anger just by living under the same roof with him. His friends, coworkers, and other family members also sensed anger within him. In order for Sam to heal from the abuse he needed to acknowledge the presence of these powerful feelings within himself. Sam needed to admit that he was a wounded man.

       Sam's therapy led him to realize the effects the old abuse had on today's feelings, attitudes, and behaviors. The initial work of uncovering the memories was very difficult, but over time the intensity of the feelings lessened. Soon he was not only able to talk openly about the abuse, but he became better able to recognize when those feelings and attitudes of yesterday were affecting his feelings and attitudes toward his partner today. After six months' separation he and his wife entered couples counseling and three months later began to live with each other again.

 

The Wounded Man

       If you were physically beaten, sexually abused, or psychologically maltreated as a boy, it is important for you to realize that you are not alone.* There are hundreds of thousands of others like you. Many of these men have already successfully healed their inner wounds.  These wounds cannot be detected with X-rays or blood tests; they are wounds of the soul, the spirit--the psyche.

       If you have a great deal of inner hurt and rage stemming from childhood abuse, you are a wounded man. Ironically, as a wounded man, you may not know that you are feeling these emotions because you did not learn how to identify and communicate your feelings in a positive, productive way. Or you may have even learned to split off from your feelings altogether, as a way of coping with these strong emotions. But these powerful feelings don't go away by themselves. They need an outlet. You're like a pressure cooker: If you don't let the steam out, you'll explode.

      

*Childhood abuse and destructive behaviors are not strictly male problems. Research in the area of child sexual abuse indicates that the majority of victims are female. As a result of these experiences they also become wounded in many of the same ways as men. But because of differences in the way men and women are raised, their anger and low self-esteem may manifest in distinctly different behaviors. For example, women turn their their anger inward, which results in depression; men turn their anger outward, which may result in abusing others.

 

      

      

       Explosions of intense emotion are common for wounded men who haven't learned how to express their feelings in constructive ways. Unless you deal with the pressure directly, destructive behaviors are inevitable. These behaviors are destructive because they will continually cause more problems in your life. Such problems include denial that there is a problem, violence, and alcoholism or drug addiction. In order to change these unhealthy behavior patterns you must directly address the wound itself (the anger and hurt).

       Wounded men are hurt, injured, confused inside. If a broken finger isn't properly set by a doctor, the bone will set itself improperly. It may just look bent and be a reminder about the time you broke your finger; or you may realize that something is wrong with the way that finger feels and works. And even though the injury may not stop you from appearing "perfectly normal" to most people, you may develop an unusual way of using your hand to compensate. You have learned to adjust to your injury. But what happens when that finger is stressed? It may feel unusually painful or it may become even more vulnerable to breaking again.  You may have learned to adjust to your emotional injuries in the same way. Unlike physical injuries, however, psychological injuries are much easier to hide. Yet psychological wounds linger in the back of your mind and remain dormant until you are confronted with a stressful situation that reactivates them.

 

The Wounding of Male Children                                  

       This year over a million and a half children will experience some form of emotional, sexual, or physical abuse and at least a quarter of these will be boys. But no matter what type of abuse a boy experiences, the physical and psychological pain that it causes him may result in many different types of problems throughout his life, most commonly the continued abuse of self and others.

       Many adults say, "Boys are flexible. They can handle it." Or "Kids forget about it when they grow up." My interviews with hundreds of men abused as children, however, have not proven this case. In fact the majority of these child victims of abuse have suffered for years. Many have numerous physical ailments, frequent nightmares, troubled interpersonal relationships, and serious behavior problems. Though many men try to forget their childhood experiences, the memories and their associated feelings still affect their lives.

       It has only been in the last few years that counselors are beginning to understand the male victim of child abuse.  This may be because more men seem willing to come forward and tell their stories. Why is this happening? Because men are now beginning to overcome the social pressure to be mentally and emotionally strong and to seem unaffected by their pain. Women are helping men overcome these social pressures by encouraging them to express their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Fifty years ago it was considered unmanly to cry. Today men are hearing from women and other men that it is OK to show their feelings. Many women now view it as a sign of strength when a man shows his emotions.

       Abuse may carry a particularly high price tag for men. Males perpetrate the majority of abuses and and males perpetuate the generational cycle of violence. In order to stop the cycle of violence, you need to heal yourself. In doing so you not only help yourself, but you contribute to a much-needed change in society. Today millions of adult male victims of child abuse suffer within themselves and many cause suffering in others. By bringing an end to your own pain, you are more likely to do the same for others--whether it's your child, your spouse, a sibling, a friend, a parent, or someone you touch professionally. Healing is contagious. When one person does it, it inspires others to do the same.

      

Am I a Wounded Man?

       How do you know if you are a wounded man? Start with the obvious--your behaviors. Do you have an explosive temper at home or at work? Do you have a difficult time making a commitment in an intimate relationship? Is there a lot of conflict in your marriage? Do you have a sexual problem? A drinking or a drug problem? Do you have trouble remaining sexually faithful in your relationship? Have you been violent with your spouse, partner, or children? Do you have addictive patterns in your life?

   Another way to determine if these invisible wounds exist inside of yourself is to look at your attitudes toward yourself and others. What do you think of yourself as a man? What do you like and dislike about yourself? Most people don't consciously take the time to examine their strengths and shortcomings. Wounded men often have a poor self-image or low self-esteem. They are often critical of themselves and others. A good clue to how you feel about yourself is to think about how you treat others, especially those with whom you are intimate or emotionally close. For example, if you verbally insult your partner, you probably grew up with a critical parent. I wouldn't be surprised to find that you are also very critical with yourself. Another attitude to examine is trust. Do you trust others? Do you think that people close to you would hurt you if they knew how you thought or felt? Betrayal of trust is one of the outcomes of childhood abuse. A trusted adult uses his or her greater strength and power to take advantage of the child. As a result of this betrayal the young child grows up distrusting others, especially those close to him. How would you rate your self-esteem? What are you attitudes about trust?

       A third area to look at is feelings. Do you know how you feel most of the time? Many wounded men lack an awareness of their feelings. As a result they are unable to communicate with others. On the other hand, you may be very aware of your feelings. In fact you may be overwhelmed by their intensity and confused when so many different types of feelings surface at one time. Men who experience these intense emotions usually find ways to anesthetize themselves. You may use alcohol and drugs to avoid feelings; but any compulsive behavior -- whether it's work, sex, eating, or withdrawal into a private world -- can serve the same purpose. It helps you run away from your personal problems. How well do you deal with your feelings?  How do you avoid your feelings?

       Problems in any one of these areas may mean that the abuse you experienced as a child is still affecting you today. Being abused as a boy, however, may not be the only reason for these difficulties in your life. The problems may be compounded by the fact that the way boys are brought up in our society actually predisposes them to any one or a number of the issues described above.

 

The Wounds in All Men

       Our experience as men is uniquely different from women's in two very important ways: an emphasis on thinking rather than feeling, and praise for using aggression and violence.  Abused or not, the way boys are raised in this society can predispose us to serious problems as adults, especially in relationships. These difficulties are most apparent in the areas of communication and aggression. When it's combined with the experience of abuse, the effects can be deadly. Let's take a closer look at how this happens.

      

"Thinking" versus "Feeling"

        First, from birth on, men are taught to use the "thinking mode" far more than the "feeling mode," to be "rational" rather than "irrational"; men are taught from an early age that to be emotional is to act like a girl or a sissy. Men also learn that reason and logic are the best skills for success.

        Here is an example. Rob, a forty-year-old lawyer, recently came to me because of his problems with alcoholism. He was raised by his alcoholic grandparents because his mother and his father abandoned him at an early age.  Rob's wife had just left him, and I asked how he felt about it.

       He looked at me with a blank stare and replied, "How do I feel? I think she should come back to me!" This man responded by using his thinking mode. He "thought" that she should come back to him. In order to help him get in touch with his feelings I asked a series of questions. The first was, "When you 'think' about her leaving you, what changes do you notice in your body?"

       After several minutes of concentration, he replied, "I get tense in my stomach."

       I then asked, "If that tension in your stomach had a voice, what would it say?"

       "Come back, I miss you, I need you."

       Next I asked him to say, "I'm scared, I am hurting."

       He repeated "I'm scared and I am hurting" several times, then he turned to me and said, "Yes, that's it, that's right." At that point Rob was beginning to learn the language of feelings.

       Because men are often uncomfortable with their feelings, they have great difficulty getting through the windstorms of life. When emotional difficulties arise they struggle--often unsuccessfully--with solving problems by using only logic. Men sometimes lack the flexibility to resolve their deepest feelings through other means, such as introspection and communication. The result is that men frequently try to think their feelings away, try to find the logic in their emotions, or, most commonly, try to find an external cause for the problem.

       Think about a time when your partner was trying to tell you her feelings. What was your response? If you're like me your first instinct was probably to try to understand why  she was feeling that way or how you could make her feel better. If you didn't see the logic in her feelings you probably got frustrated. She may then have accused you of "not understanding." You may have tried even harder to talk her out of her feelings. And then an argument may have exploded, seemingly out of nowhere. This all happens because we feel uncomfortable with feelings.  When we men "think" that we have found the cause for feeling uncomfortable, namely another person, then we often attempt to get that person to change and stop doing whatever we think it is that makes us feel uncomfortable. The problem with this strategy is that it never addresses the real problem of our discomfort with feelings. To compound the problem the other person experiences our response as controlling, not listening, and unsupportive.

       When we use the thinking mode exclusively, rather than in combination with the feeling mode, we tend to put less value on other people's feelings. This is why men have trouble communicating with women. It is as if we speak different languages. Women typically want to discuss their feelings, while men don't understand what the problem is. Men want to give advice. But women get angry because they don't want advice; they just want their feelings to be heard and accepted.

       For centuries society has not given approval for men to experience and express their feeling, nurturing, relationship-oriented sides. Although men and women have the capacity to act in both traditionally masculine and feminine ways, boys and girls are saddled with sex-role expectations from birth. And such expectations limit their abilities to experience the full range of human potential.

       Thus an important part of our healing process is to accept the various aspects of our inner self, both masculine and feminine. When we achieve inner balance we are able to respond in a flexible way to situations outside ourselves. If a situation calls for a feeling response, then we are free to respond in that way. If it needs a thinking response, then we can think. 

       Tom, a thirty-eight-year-old, self-employed contractor, came to counseling in the midst of his divorce. This tall, thin, blond-haired, well dressed man can into counseling on the advice of a friend. He was continually anxious, and unable to sleep, relax, or concentrate on work. He had been severely psychologically abused by his father, who never showed him any physical affection. As far back as Tom could remember his father told him that to cry, or show any emotion, was being a sissy. Tom grew up the epitome of the thinking man. Feelings were simply not a part of his repertoire.

       This wasn't too much of a problem until he married a very emotional woman. The more emotional she got, the more analytical he became. He felt intimidated by her feelings and responded by becoming even more analytical and emotionally distant. Over time he became estranged from his wife and found himself out of love with her. Eventually his wife left him. Now for the first time in his life, Tom began to feel something.  But these feelings were so intense that he didn't know how to verbalize them. I told Tom that this was an opportunity for him to get in touch with his feelings, to learn how to deal with a part of himself that his father had never allowed him to experience.

       It took a major crisis for Tom to let himself feel strong emotions. Over time he became more and more comfortable using his feeling mode when the situation called for such a response. Such a crisis is often the factor that propels men into facing their emotions. If you are in a similar state you can learn how to make use of your feeling mode in all areas of your life. Uncomfortable situations arise in our lives to teach us lessons. And until we learn the task at hand they will keep coming up over and over again. When a wounded man refuses to face this challenge the crisis can become very frightening.

 

Men and Aggression

       A second difference between men and women is that, from an early age, males are taught to use aggression and violence.

       As infants boys are handled more roughly than girls. Boys are encouraged to participate in "rough-and-tumble" play--which is a cute way of talking about childhood aggression and violence. As we get older and are able to utilize our "thinking mode," we are encouraged to solve problems using logic and common sense. However, if that approach doesn't work, most males don't automatically switch to the feeling mode; instead, they usually resort to force.

       Fighting is a "skill" every boy learns either to develop or at least to confront while growing up. We have to prove manhood by demonstrating our physical strengths. Fighting becomes a rite of passage. If we don't go out there and pick a fight, one will eventually come our way. Fighting also has rules. The first rule is: You should never walk away from a fight. If you do walk away, you are a coward, a sissy, or (worse, according to the rules) acting like a girl. The second rule is: If you fight and get hurt, you shouldn't cry, because big boys don't cry; only girls cry. Showing hurt is not a boy's alternative; there is no alternative but to tough it out. And this rule is enforced by male role models from TV, movies, sports, and music, who give boys the same message: Be tough, be aggressive, and show strength.

       How does this emphasis on aggression manifest if you experienced abuse as a child? As you begin to look inwardly you discover a great deal of hurt and anger. But society hasn't given you a great deal of approval to express your inner feelings, so you try to think them away or just to ignore them.  Yet doing so only serves to make the wound fester. And at certain times the pain, the anger, and the rage may be too great to ignore. Indeed, at such critical times, you are likely to express your feelings in aggressive ways, such as, physical, sexual, or psycholgical violence Social conditioning makes men prone to act out their feelings rather than to communicate them, so you may be more likely to act on your aggressive impulses. Why? Because that's what you learned as a child.

       The potential for aggressive responses to stressful situations is great for the wounded man.  To say to yourself, "I'll never be like him (or her)" or, if you have already been abusive toward others, to tell yourself, "I'll never do it again," is not enough to bring about a change in your life. You need to go beyond words and face your inner feelings, develop new attitudes toward yourself and others, and learn new skills in dealing with personal problems. It is imperative that you actively begin to heal yourself. The healing process described in the book will help you bring about these changes.   

 

Is Healing Possible?

        Healing is possible, though it will take some time and work.  Many men and women in the helping professions have found methods that have been effective in helping men overcome the devastating effects of childhood abuse. Many books have been written for women, and today more books are being written specifically for men. I have personally watched hundreds of men rise above their wounds and find peace of mind. I like to think of these individuals as heroes because it takes a great deal of courage to go to battle with our inner demons.

       It is very important for you to know that changing your patterns of behavior today does not totally depend on first healing all your childhood wounds. You can develop specific skills along the way to help you stop violence and substance abuse as well as to resolve marital difficulties. But, in the long run, only by healing your inner wounds from childhood abuse will you become able to prevent such serious behavior problems from reoccurring.  This book will help you find ways to heal your inner wounds and to change the behavior patterns that perpetuate the problems in your life.

 

The Stages of the Healing Process

       The process of healing your wounds from childhood abuse will, in many ways, be unique to your particular situation. However, four stages to healing are common to all men embarking on this journey. Healing is not a linear process so you may not experience each stage in the order given below.  But throughout your healing you will experience one or more of these stages individually or simultaneously.

 

       1. Awareness and disclosure of being a wounded man and unlocking the              thoughts and feelings that go along with those wounds.

       2.  Understanding how and why the abuse occurred and ultimately how it            affects you today.

       3. Learning new skills, attitudes, and ways of relating to others.

       4.  Transformation, the process that allows the development of different             aspects of yourself.

 

       Each of these stages have qualities that are particularly important for you.

 

Stage One: Awareness and Disclosure

       Awareness and disclosure means acknowledging that you were abused as a child, and accepting all the thoughts and feelings that go along with that fact.

       We have many secrets that we keep from others. Some secrets are meant to be kept to ourselves. But the most damaging secrets are the ones that we fail to acknowledge, even to ourselves. This may be the case for you. The thought of facing the abuse is so uncomfortable that you may want to take the memories (and all the thoughts and feelings that accompany such memories) and lock them up in a trunk in the basement. You may do this consciously; or you may have done it so long ago that you have forgotten all about it. In either case, even though the trunk is locked, the secret will unconsciously control your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors Once you acknowledge the abuse you will begin to take control.  You will no longer be a victim to the secret.

       Once you have acknowledged the abuse and the emotions to yourself, the next step is disclosure--telling someone else.  One result of hiding the secret is that you may feel a certain amount of alienation. Wounded men often feel misunderstood, detached, or estranged from others. Saying, "I was sexually abused" or "I feel angry at my father for physically abusing me" will have a cathartic affect on you. You are likely to feel an immediate release of inner pressure, as if a load has been removed from your chest. The disclosure process may involve telling friends or other family members of the abuse, although this does not mean you should blurt out your secret to everyone you meet. Telling your secret to a supportive person will help you feel less alone in the world. Disclosure is not very different from the idea of confession: it is a cleansing process that helps you feel a sense or relief.

       Eventually you may want to confront your abuser and this will be discussed in Chapter 9. But this should not happen until you have become quite comfortable with your own healing process.

 

Stage Two: Understanding

       Understanding goes beyond recognizing the long-term effects of the abuse. Answering the questions, "Why did the abuser act in that way?" and "What other problems were occurring for the person at the time?" may be a part of this stage of your healing process. Most important, this stage involves the realization that you were not to blame for the abuse. You did not cause the abuse or allow it to happen in any way.  It is up to adults to protect children; it is not the child's role to protect himself from adults. Developing a general understanding of why people abuse others--children, in particular--can help you step back from your experience and view it from a different perspective.

       For example, after many sessions of anger and tears, Mark, a fifty-two-year-old, well-dressed businessman who lived a fast-track lifestyle, was able to step back from his experience and understand why his father physically abused him:

    

It was very difficult for me to get beyond my anger toward my father for beating me all during my childhood. When I would think of him I'd only feel anger. As I began to look at his life and the problems he had, I began to realize, first, it wasn't my fault and second, he abused everyone he came in contact with. He grew up with a violent, alcoholic father and he just never dealt with his own pain. During the year in therapy that I began to deal with this part of my life, I actually began to develop some compassion for him. He was a sick guy. As I did I felt less angry and really began to feel in my heart that it wasn't my fault. Then I knew that I was beginning to heal.

 

Stage Three: Learning New Skills

       The learning process is based on the assumption that everyone, both men and women, wounded or not, can stand to pick up new skills, attitudes, and ways of relating to others. You may have been feeling very angry all your life about the abuse. You are now experiencing dysfunctional patterns in your own relationships, but are doing nothing to change the present. You may have analyzed your past so completely that you now use it as an excuse or justification for your current problems. For example, when confronted about his abusive behavior toward his child, one man stated, "Oh, I do that because my parents treated me in the same way." The understanding becomes an excuse for current behavior rather than a reason to change. So you first need to learn that change is possible. No matter how long you have had a particular way of acting or thinking, with persistence and practice you can learn new skills and attitudes.

 

Stage Four: Transformation

       The transformation process occurs as you work through the other stages of the healing process. Awareness, disclosure, understanding, and learning help to change your attitudes, emotional disposition, and behaviors.  You may begin to notice these changes in yourself; more frequently, however, such changes are noticed first by others. You will hear friends make statements such as: "You have changed in the last year"; or "You are less tense, less on edge lately"; or "You have been expressing your feelings a lot more lately"; or "You seem more self-confident than you did several years ago."

       The transformation process also involves using the experience to cultivate other sides of yourself. For example, if you have a tendency to think and analyze your feelings away, then you may want to learn how to feel more comfortable with experiencing and communicating your emotions. Or, if you haven't learned to step back, deliberate, and understand your emotions, then you may need to develop your thinking skills. Men who find it easier to experience their anger may need to express their sadness more often. Extroverts who need constant attention from others may want to nurture their quiet side, becoming more comfortable with themselves.

       Transformation occurs when you use the abusive experience as a springboard to enhance sides of your personality that may have been blocked. Sometimes this happens consciously, such as when the extrovert says to himself, "I am going to spend some time alone today," or when the thinking type asks himself, "How do I feel about this situation?" At other times transformation occurs unconsciously over time through the process of healing.

       You may have transformed your experience in more obvious ways, such as getting involved with programs that help victims or offenders of violence. Maybe you have been attracted to a profession that encourages healing, such as psychology, peer counseling, medicine, or other people-helping fields. You can help others with their pain if you are willing to work on yourself as well.  In fact this can be an important part of your healing process. You may have entered a helping field and have worked with many victims of violence, only to discover that you too had an abusive childhood. If this is the case for you, attend to your own wounds so they won't get in the way of your helping others.

       As you transform your wounds you will find that you are less affected by the abuse than you were. You will feel better about yourself and how you respond to others. It doesn't mean that you will never feel the pain again or that you won't encounter problems in your relationships. But it does mean that you will not let your childhood experiences determine your response to those problems. You will have more choices, fewer knee-jerk reactions. Therefore you will have greater control over yourself.  Mark was physically abused by his mother. As a result he would become very defensive whenever a woman would criticize him . Now he can catch himself when this reaction occurs.  He can say to himself, "She is not my mother and I am not a child. Is she saying something valid or do I need to assert myself?"

       Ultimately your process of healing will be unique within this framework. Therefore your timing will be determined by your own inner readiness for any particular stage. That inner clock needs to be respected by counselors and family members as well as yourself. The choice to heal rests with you, and only you can decide when and how that will occur.

       Three years ago, during the week of Father's Day, I asked each man in my wounded men's group to imagine that his father was there in the group. Each group member was to tell his father something he had never told him before. I placed an empty chair in the center of the circle: "There he is: your father. What do you want to say to him?"

       The tension in the room increased tenfold. Each person began to express his thoughts and feelings. Barry, forty-five, and unemployed, who had been referred to the group for physically abusing his daughter and wife, was unable to do the exercise. He said that he was afraid. When I asked him what he was afraid of, he stated, "If I got in touch with how I feel about this guy I might get violent."  He wasn't ready for this exercise.   He had only been dealing with these intense feelings for a few months. I told him it was OK for him to just watch and listen to the others.

       A year later I repeated the exercise. This time Barry was able to participate. He was ready to open up to his feelings. It would have been abusive to force him to do something he wasn't ready to do a year ago. I respected him for knowing his limits. Only he knew when he was ready. It was important for him to feel in control.

       For two more years Barry struggled to heal his wounds from childhood abuse. He had witnessed years of violence between his mother and father. His father physically abused him and sexually abused his younger sister. When he was ten years old his mother killed his father with a knife. She was found guilty of murder and was sent to jail, and he lived in one foster home after another until he was eighteen. He developed a serious drug problem as an adult, which led to three marriages and three divorces. In each marriage he was physically abusive. He came into counseling after attempting suicide when his third wife left him for another man. He saw no hope for his future.

       At his first session he disclosed his mother's murder of his father. It was the first time in thirty-five years that he had talked about what happened. His rage toward his parents came up in every session. The hurt, fear, and pain were not far behind. The feelings seemed endless. Over time, however, they became less intense, less present and overbearing. Through his therapy he came to better understand his parents. He realized that he wasn't the cause of their problems. He wasn't to blame for the violence. Barry learned how the violence affected his own sense of self-esteem, and how he carried his rage into each of his marriages. He saw how he was blaming his wife for his pain, just as he was blaming himself for his parent's problems. Through his participation in the group Barry learned how to talk out his feelings and problems rather than act them out.

       Over a period of three years Barry was transformed. To this day he still has anger and sadness about what happened in his family. But he's better able to recognize when those old feelings are getting in his way of seeing what is going on at the moment. He occasionally falls into old patterns, but he's able to catch himself before they get out of hand. He says, "The memories are a reminder that I need to be careful. I don't want to forget them altogether. Otherwise I may repeat the same mistakes. I've had enough abuse in my life."

Chapter Two

Preparation for Your Journey

 

      

 

       You must begin your healing journey with the right attitude. The healing process is very difficult, a challenge of heroic proportions. In order to make your own particular journey less traumatic I encourage you to make a conscious decision to approach the process with a healthy attitude.

 

The Right Attitude

       How do you find the right attitude? The answer lies within letters of the word HOW: honesty, openmindedness, and willingness. These qualities are the key to healing your childhood abuse.*

 

Honesty

       The first step in addressing any problem, whether it's healing from childhood abuse, stopping abusive behavior, or controlling addictions, is to be honest with yourself and eventually with others. The latter is not possible without the former. 

       Being honest only begins with acknowledging the abuse; being honest about how the abuse affected you then and how it affects you today. It may be difficult for you to be honest in facing your vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings or even to acknowledge that you have a problem. However, without honesty, the healing process is not possible.

 

* The concept of HOW (honesty, openmindedness and willingness) comes from Alcoholic's Anonymous. AA uses many such slogans that help keep the process of understanding and working the Twelve Steps simple.

      

       Another aspect of honesty is to acknowledge your feelings, fantasies, and thoughts. You may have feelings of anger, hurt, and fear that may be difficult for you to acknowledge and communicate. You may have negative thoughts or fantasies, such as abusing others or yourself, that are painful or embarrassing to talk about. Through honesty the wound is exposed and healing begins. Talking out your feelings, thoughts, fantasies, and memories will also help remove your tendency to act them out in unhealthy or destructive ways.

 

Openmindedness

       Along the healing journey you will encounter new ideas, concepts, and suggestions that may seem foreign, illogical, or even absurd. Later I will suggest that you complete certain exercises, which experience has shown me are helpful to men healing from childhood abuse. It is crucial to the healing process that you stay open, impartial, and give equal weight to these new ideas even if you don't understand the point. In order for you to change you need to be open to new ways of being, and to break through rigid, dysfunctional ways of viewing yourself and others.

       First and foremost you need to be open to the idea that healing is possible for you. It is equally important that you be open to the idea that your experience has not only caused you grief but presents you with an opportunity to learn to develop new aspects of yourself as well as new skills. Above all you need to be open to the notion that you are a hero. Breaking through old patterns of behavior takes persistence, strength, and the belief that the rewards are worth the effort. Don't forget, you have survived thus far and can move on from survival to success. It is also necessary for you to be open to the fact that you are fundamentally a good person, no matter what type of problems you now experience. Through healing your problems will decrease, and the way you go about solving them will be more productive.

 

Willingness

       Initially you may feel that you are being forced to address this problem because of a failing marriage, alcoholism, or an arrest.  You may begin to feel resentful that someone else is making you look at yourself in a way that brings up a great deal of pain, discomfort, or embarrassment. You will want to resist looking at this stuff; every man does at one point. It is important that you stay willing to stick with your journey even when the going gets rough. Because of your circumstances, willingness may begin as resignation; but over time you will become more inclined to want to change for you, not just for others.  

       Undoubtably there will be times along your journey when you will want to give up and go back to old patterns. This is where your willingness will be most challenged. In Alcoholics Anonymous they talk about willingness to go to any lengths to become sober. This means voluntarily doing whatever it takes to solve your problem. The hero who embarks on the healing journey is challenged in a similar way.  No matter how difficult the challenge, it is important for you meet it squarely and move forward as much as possible.

 

The Rough Spots

       As you begin the healing process you are likely to encounter some difficult periods that may slow you down, stop you altogether, or create a backslide. You may begin to feel overwhelmed by your emotions, confusion and shock, guilt and shame, depression, agitation and anxiety, flashbacks and dreams, and the urge to slip back into denial. Expecting these junctures and preparing ahead of time can help you lessen their impact.

 

Emotions

       During your healing process you are likely to become acutely aware of the reservoir of emotions that lays silently--and sometimes not so silently--within you. As you begin to recognize your anger, sadness, hurt, and fear you may initially feel overwhelmed by emotions that have lain dormant for years. You may even fear that you will lose control, go crazy, or will never feel good again if you begin to heal your wounds. Becoming aware of these intense feelings is an important part of the healing process. It will take you some time to get comfortable with them; but as you do, you will learn that they gradually decrease in intensity with passing time.

 

Confusion and Shock

       You may experience confusion and shock when you first acknowledge that you were abused as a child. You may ask yourself, "What do I do with this information?"  After such a disclosure it will take time for the dust to settle and for the direction of travel to become clearer. It is important to develop patience. Healing does not occur overnight. In this book I will make concrete suggestions on how to deal with such a disclosure. Such structure will help you get through the initial shock of facing your wounds.

 

Guilt and Shame

       After you acknowledge or disclose your abuse you may experience guilt and shame. This is a common response.

       You may be feeling protective of your abuser, thinking, "I don't want others to dislike him or for him to feel uncomfortable." Or you may be worrying about the turmoil it may cause in the family, "I don't want to cause problems with everyone." You may believe that somehow you brought this upon yourself and may be feeling ashamed of yourself. These feelings are ways that you continue to blame yourself for the abuse. Guilt and shame will only prevent you from doing the work you need to do in order to heal. It is probable that others may get upset if they knew about what happened. Maybe they should.

       Yes, your abuser may feel uncomfortable. But what about your feelings?

       The bottom line is that you are not to blame for the abuse. And although talking about it may cause others to feel uncomfortable, you need to take care of yourself. You don't have control over other peoples' feeling reactions. It may feel very uncomfortable for you and for them should you choose to disclose the abuse to family members. But you don't have to make that decision at this moment. Your protection of others is noble, but it may be at your own expense. You may argue, "That's what abuse is all about, hurting others at your own expense."  This is true. But there is a big difference between hurting those whom you are supposed to protect, and acknowledging or expressing your feelings even though someone may not like them. When you express yourself there is always the possibility that someone may not like it. Learning to express yourself without violating the rights of others is something you will learn about later in the book. Don't forget: Telling family members is something you may choose to do, but not for a while.

 

Depression

       Depression is another common response to acknowledging childhood victimization. You may already have been experiencing low-level depression before you began your healing process, but it may be exacerbated once the abuse is disclosed. The depression is often a result of anger that you long ago repressed or turned inward. The depression may also be a result of feeling helpless and powerless over uncomfortable feelings or situations. Like many men you probably like to feel in charge of your life, strong and in control. You may already be experiencing feelings of powerlessness and helplessness in your relationships and at work, stemming from the abuse. These feelings, along with the anger, sadness, and hurt, may be overwhelming and could cause depression.

 

Agitation and Anxiety 

       Agitation and anxiety in the form of feeling nervous and being unable to sleep or concentrate on work may also occur in the early stages of healing. You may feel on the edge of getting angry, irritable, or easily upset. Some wounded men find themselves obsessing about the abuse or other problems to the point that they can't get their work accomplished. Later in this book I will give specific suggestions on how to deal with anger constructively so that irritations and anxiety do not lead to abusive behavior.

 

Flashbacks and Dreams

       Flashbacks are intrusive memories about the abuse that may occur at any time. They may be very frightening and upsetting, but don't panic if you experience them. They are a normal part of the healing process and it's even a good sign that these memories are beginning to surface. It shows that you're becoming more open to dealing with the abuse and, most important, you are more ready psychologically to move along in the healing process.

       What most men find very frustrating about their flashbacks is their uncontrollability. That is, you can't control when, where, or if they are going to happen, although you can control what you do with them. One of my clients compared his dreams and flashbacks to the weather. We really can't control what the weather is going to be like today. All we can do is be prepared by listening to the forecast and having the right items in our possession (an umbrella for rain, a short-sleeved shirt for sun). If you wear the right clothes you will minimize your inconvenience and discomfort. In the same way, if you have the skills necessary to cope with feelings, dreams, and flashbacks, then the pain and anguish that accompanies these experiences will be somewhat diminished. Inappropriate responses to these experiences can be as self-destructive as going out in the rain without a coat. This is especially foolish if you already have a cold, because you're likely to catch pneumonia or  at least prolong the healing process.

       Dreams, like flashbacks, can also help or hinder the healing process depending on how you relate to them. Dreams can give you valuable information about your feelings, thoughts, and attitudes that can ultimately help you grow and learn more about yourself. If you consider yourself weak and crazy for having dreams then you are not going to be open to using them to heal. On the other hand, if you are receptive and even welcome them, you will find them a valuable tool along your healing journey.

 

Denial

       Slipping back into denial is a common tendency for most men involved in the healing process. You'll most likely feel that talking about the abuse once or twice will be enough for you. And, in fact, it may be--but just for the moment. The desire to protect others may lead you to minimize the abuse or change your mind altogether, saying, "It really wasn't abuse."

       Most men are task oriented, and they like to know when the job is done. Unfortunately, the milestones of healing are not always easy to distinguish. If you want immediate results you are likely to become frustrated and convince yourself that you are now OK, or you may just give up the journey out of frustration. Minimization and denial are the most common obstacles that men encounter in their healing journey. Faith in yourself is the strongest medicine you have to fight these tendencies. You have to believe in your ability to heal and become the type of person you want to be.

       As a child you probably felt on some level that the abuse was wrong. This voice was your inner wise old man trying to tell you that your perceptions were correct. It was abuse. Listening to that voice today will help you through the times when minimization and denial are strongest. The inner voice is what has gotten you this far in your healing journey.

 

Masculinity as a Help and as a Hindrance

       "Masculinity" refers to certain qualities or characteristics our society expects of men that are, for the most part, not genetically predetermined but learned behaviors. These characteristics include being strong, aggressive, rough-natured, rational, brave, independent, and so on.  "Femininity" refers to qualities our society expects of women, such as being emotional, passive, empathic toward others, gentle, home-loving, relationship oriented, dependent, and so on. Because these qualities are learned, we all have a certain amount of both sex-type qualities within our personalities. In fact more men and women today are changing these social prescriptions of expected behavior. Many women are aggressive, strong, rational, and independent; and increasing numbers of men express their gentle side and their emotions and are more home-loving and relationship oriented. More and more people are struggling to reach a balance in their masculine and feminine qualities.

       Masculinity and femininity are not inherently good or bad. Each has its place, depending on the situation. In fact each consists of qualities that can help you in your healing process. For example, it takes a great deal of inner strength and discipline to embark on a healing journey. When you are in the midst of experiencing powerful emotions your rational function can also serve you well. However, masculine qualities alone will not be enough to heal your inner wounds. If you tend to lean too much toward the stereotypic masculine, you may be lacking in certain qualities that may actually help you in your healing process.

       There are many feminine qualities that will help you through your healing journey. Allowing yourself to experience your emotional side will help you get through the painful moments. When you let yourself be passive and sit quietly you can learn a lot about yourself. Listen to your inner thoughts, allow your feelings to surface, and pay attention to your dreams and fantasies.  Empathy and compassion for yourself as well as others will help to raise your self-esteem. When you permit yourself to depend on the help of others you will find the healing process progresses more rapidly than if you weather the storms all alone.

       Striking a balance between masculinity and femininity can be one outcome of your healing journey. Throughout life we encounter situations that call for a particular response. Some situations require a more aggressive or rational reaction, others call for emotionality or reflection. Flexibility is the key to productive problem solving and this is especially true for your healing journey.   

 

Getting Over the Rough Spots

       There are a number of practical techniques for dealing with the rough spots and facilitating the healing process in general. You may want to try any one or a number of the following suggestions as you move along your journey. I have found professionally that a combination of recommendations works best. Some of these recommendations involve only yourself, some involve other people. The individual approaches are writing in a feelings log; using a dream journal; using art mediums as a form of personal expression; meditating; and waiting. The suggestions that involve others include talking with your wife or intimate other, a close friend, or a supportive family member; joining a support group; or seeing a professional counselor. Let's look at how you can work with each of these at any point in your healing journey.

 

When You Feel Overwhelmed: Use the Feelings Log

       The feelings log is simply a note pad in which you record your feelings.  You may use a pocket size or standard size pad, whichever is more convenient.  Carry it with you everyday and use it to write down incidents that stir up feelings, and what those feelings are. It may be something someone said to you or something that they did. Feelings may also come up because of thoughts, daydreams, nightdreams, or flashbacks.  For example, "Today my boss criticized my work.  It made me feel scared and angry."

       Putting your inner experiences on paper may help to give you some distance from them so that you can better understand how and why you react to situations the way you do. Writing down your feelings gives you something to do with them so that you don't just obsess about them, deny them, or act them out. Most important, writing can also help you become used to identifying and labeling your feelings. As you become more comfortable with your feelings in general, you will begin to find it easier to communicate them to others as well.

 

When You Experience Dreams or Flashbacks: Use the Dream Journal

       Keep another notebook by your bed and use it to record your dreams. Writing down your dreams and flashbacks will make them less frightening.  Write your dreams down in your journal and ponder to yourself their meaning. The best time to record your dreams is upon waking, before you get out of bed. Write down everything you can remember, even if it doesn't make any sense.

       Dreams may be difficult to interpret, since their messages are often cryptic and hidden. A simple rule of thumb is that every character, object, and event in the dream says something about you personally, because it is coming from your unconscious. You need not always take the dream literally (though sometimes this is the case); the messages need to be decoded through the process of interpretation. It is also useful to attempt to tie your dream to something happening in your current life.

       Here are a few suggestions.  First, write out all of your associations to each part of the dream. If you dream about a large house and a room in the basement that is painted deep blue, write down all your personal associations to large houses, basements, and the color blue. If it's a particular house, note how you feel or think about that house. The next step is to tie those associations to what is going on inside of you. If your association to the color blue was sadness, you may find that perhaps you may be feeling sad inside. But the blue room is in the basement, where it's less likely to be noticed. Finally you ask yourself, "What is this dream trying to tell me?"  Dreams are often compensatory, that is, they attempt to balance our conscious attitudes. If you've been avoiding your sad feeling, this dream could be telling you that it may be healthy for you to go down into the basement and check out that blue room, your sadness. The exact meaning of your dreams may not always be apparent, but the more often you attempt to interpret your dreams the easier it will be to understand their messages.*

       John had started individual therapy after completing an inpatient drug and alcohol program. Thirtynine, married with sixteen-year-old son, physically fit and owing a sucessful dental practice he felt like he was on top of the world.  Yet he needed to better understand how he developed his alcohol problem in the first place--neither one of his parents drank. During the course of treatment he disclosed, for the first time to anyone, that he had been sexually abused by his uncle. Speaking of the abuse was painful for John. I spent several sessions just helping him get through the initial wave of intense emotion. After his revelation he came into session with the following dream.

 

I was in this old hotel where drug pushers and prostitutes hang out. All of a sudden there was an earthquake. The building collapsed and I was left standing alone. I was terrified, I didn't have a structure to protect me from the earthquake. There was smoke everywhere and dust in the air from all the fallen buildings. I couldn't see where to go.

 

*For a more thorough description of how to interpret your dreams see Robert Johnson , Innerwork: Using Dreams and Active Imagination for Personal Growth. (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1986).

      

       John's dream was saying something about how he felt at the time of the disclosure. He felt as if he had been in an earthquake. A sudden and potentially dangerous shift occurred in the ground upon which he was standing. Facing the fact of his abuse had left him feeling insecure, uncertain, unsteady. In his dream he says that he was terrified. Yet, he was unharmed. John, in spite of his emotional condition, was still standing with both feet on the ground. He was keeping himself together. In the dream there was smoke ("Where there's smoke, there's fire") indicating that he has some fires to confront. The fires could be heat, passion, or emotion that he needs to  recognize and contain. The dust hadn't settled yet so it wasn't clear what direction to go. This was also true for John. He had just acknowledged his experience as a child. He was still confused.  It wasn't clear what would happen next. I suggested to him that sometimes it's better just to let the dust settle, that is, to let his emotions simmer off before moving on. This was a positive dream for John because we were able talk about the process of healing.

       As with dreams, writing down your flashbacks gives them room for expression so that they don't stay stuck inside of your head. Flashbacks can also give you valuable information about the nature of the abuse you experienced.  John would frequently have flashbacks about his uncle's abuse during sex. Initially he found these memories frightening and overwhelming. As he began to write them down and talk about them in counseling, he discovered that they lost some intensity and frequency. A year later they rarely occurred.

       Flashbacks are a normal part of the healing process. If you accept them, even welcome them, their occurrence will be less often and less disturbing. Most important with flashbacks, you are likely to experience feelings along with them. Writing down these feelings in your feelings log will defuse them so that you can go about with your daily business and not be taken off track.

 

If You Can't Put It in Words: Use Other Creative Mediums

       Some men have a great deal of difficulty articulating their thoughts and feelings. If this is so for you, you may want to sketch your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and flashbacks in pen, pencil, chalk, or crayon.  Working in clay or wood, playing a musical instrument, or body movement can also help you in express feelings. You need not be "talented" in any of these areas to experience them. The purpose of these exercises is to release your feelings and thoughts by transforming them into another form. No matter what medium you choose the process of acknowledging your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and flashbacks is a way to honor yourself and invite healing.

 

To Calm Yourself Down: Use Meditation

       Sitting quietly with yourself and thinking peaceful, relaxing thoughts--or not thinking at all--can be quite an effective way of getting through the difficult periods of healing. John goes to the beach and sits quietly, listening to the sound of waves and seagulls. Tom finds that watching the fish swimming inside his aquarium calms him down.  Barry practices meditation regularly, especially when the going gets rough. Learning to quiet and soothe yourself is important simply because there will be times when you will need immediate calming down from your intense emotions.

       Find a quiet place where you are not likely to be disturbed by telephone, children, partner, television, roommates, and so on. Get into a comfortable position and take a deep breath. You can close your eyes if you like. Take several deep breaths and, as you exhale, let your body relax. Focus on each part of your body one at a time (head, arms, chest, legs, and so on), and as you breath out let all the tension leave that part of your body. Take your time. If all the tension doesn't go away the first time, don't worry. Like most skills meditation takes time and practice. Once you have completely relaxed your body, or relaxed as much as you can, focus on a peaceful image in your mind (such as laying out on the warm sand by the beach), an actual object (such as a fish swimming in an aquarium), or just let your mind go blank. The purpose of this exercise is to relax both your mind and your body. If thoughts begin to intrude, just wipe your mind clean like an eraser on a blackboard.

       If you are interested in other more involved methods of meditation, many bookstores carry a variety of books and tapes on this topic.

 

When You Don't Know What Else to Do: Wait

       An important part of the healing process is learning to wait out the storms of emotion or anxiety. Men are notorious for wanting to act on their feelings to make them go away sooner. Sometimes doing something is the right thing to do but at other times it is best simply to sit with your feelings. You can learn a lot about yourself by doing this. You may learn that your feelings come and go on their own. You will learn that you can survive these intense moments of emotionality, confusion, or anxiety. You may even learn more about your feelings by experiencing them intensely.

       If you are feeling overwhelmed just sit with your thoughts and feelings. Write down what comes to mind during the next couple of days. Use meditation if the feelings get overwhelming. Wait. When you are ready to act, you will know what to do.

 

If You Need Support: Talk with a Friend, Lover, or Family Member

       If you are comfortable with the idea, consider talking with someone about your thoughts and feelings. You don't have to give that person details, but you may want to let him or her know what you are doing. For example:

 

¥ I'm reading this book on healing from childhood abuse and I am feeling very frightened (angry, sad, and so on.).

 

¥ I'm reading this book on adults who were abused as children and I'm confused as to whether or not I was abused.

 

¥ I'm reading this book about child abuse and it's really painful to read.

 

       Warning: Talking abut your abusive experiences with another person, no matter how supportive and caring they are, can lead to a fight. How does this happen? When you begin to disclose the abuse you are likely to feel a little apprehensive about their reaction. Anger is likely to surface and you may become somewhat defensive. This is especially true if you don't get the kind of reaction that you wanted. If an argument begins to develop, take a break, cool off, and then resume the conversation. The last thing you want is to dump a load of anger onto someone from whom you want support.

       If you find yourself beginning to get defensive or angry again, you may want to stop the discussion and find a counselor who can help you in this process. Chapter 4 suggests some specific ways to go about choosing the right person to talk with.

 

If You Want Support from Other Wounded Men: Join a Men's Group

       If there is no one to whom you can talk about this issue, you may want to consider joining a support group for men who were abused as children. Meeting with other men who are going through a similar journey can be very supportive. It can be very reassuring to know that you are not the only man struggling with this issue. Don't try to do it all by yourself. Solicit the support of other men who are struggling with similar issues.  You don't have to fight the bad guys all by yourself.  John, for example, found out that doing it alone is counterproductive.

 

For years I thought that I could deal with my past by myself. I never told anyone that I was sexually abused by my uncle, not even my wife.  I figured if I could just forget about it, I would be OK. But the more I tried to forget, the more it would intrude in my mind. I would think about it during sex with my wife, even when I would affectionately touch my son. 

Three years before my uncle died, my wife and I decided to let him live in our carriage house. Uncle Richard and my son were very close. I didn't think he would ever do anything to him. I would tell myself that he was too old. I didn't want to make waves between my uncle and my wife.

When my son was sixteen he hospitalized for a serious drug problem. He told his therapist that he had been sexually abused by my uncle. Maybe if I had only been willing to talk about it with someone, he never would have done this to my son. At least my child is now talking about it with us.  I am now talking about it with others as well.

      

       Appendix One makes specific suggestions with regard to counseling as an aid in the healing process. Individual, group, and peer counseling can make the healing process that much easier and quicker, and I recommend it to all men. This is especially true if you are having any of the difficulties described earlier in this chapter. If you think that counseling can help you in your healing journey, you may want to read Appendix One now and begin to look for support. You will also find the names, addresses, and phone numbers of organizations that provide support for adults abused as children. Call to find what resources are available in your community.

 

Take Your Time

       It can be very frightening to confront your wounds so directly and deliberately. Proceed at a pace that is comfortable for you. Don't try to live up to some self-imposed schedule. You cannot go faster than you are psychologically prepared.

       Remember, there will be times in your healing process that you will feel very uncomfortable. Doing any one or a number of the previous suggestions will help decrease your discomfort, but may not take it away altogether. It is important that you learn how to ride through the difficult times. You can do this by reminding yourself this is a part of the healing process. Try reassuring yourself: "I will get through this storm of emotion. I have survived this long and I will survive again." Don't forget, as a child you were able to survive because you could tap into an inner strength. This was the hero within you. Survival is not accidental or coincidental. It occurs because you have the hope that a better life is possible. You need inspiration especially when times are hard. Sometimes the optimism of a child is necessary when adults are caught up in their hopelessness and cynicism. That optimistic child still exists within you. Make room for him.

       Ultimately you need to believe in yourself and in your ability to heal. Use this opportunity to grow, to become happier than you have ever imagined you could feel. This journey is an adventure into an unknown territory. The path will not always be easy. At times you will feel like turning back. But, if you keep struggling, your efforts will be well rewarded. The old adage, "No pain, no gain," contains more than a kernel of truth. So use your failures, mistakes, or setbacks as opportunities to grow, to learn more about yourself and others. But be aware that, when happy, we often seem content to stay that way. We want to capture those moments and never let them end. However, emotional pain is not unlike physical pain; it is our mind's (as opposed to our body's) way of telling us that something is in need of fixing and we need to pay attention to ourselves.

       Finally the healing process means rising above the childhood abuse and finding the many positive qualities in yourself that you developed because of--and in spite--of those experiences. For example, the abuse may have made you more sensitive to pain and suffering in others. Or, despite your conditioning, you may have made a vow never to abuse your child. In order to do this you will need to learn how to focus on your positive qualities as well as your problems. All along this journey you will get to know yourself better. You will better understand your reactions to other people and situations. You will also discover that you have choices in how you will respond. The rewards for your work will be higher self-esteem and subsequently more positive friendships and intimate relationships.

 

Knowing When You Are on the Right Track

       Sometimes your healing process will be overwhelming and confusion can set in. At these times it is important to keep things in perspective. You can't do everything at once. You need to slow down and trust that when you are ready to work on a particular issue you will take that step.

       Throughout this book you will read about issues that need to be addressed so that healing can occur. It will be helpful for you to identify guideposts or milestones that indicate that the healing process is progressing and that you are indeed on the right track. Some of these guideposts are listed below. When you find yourself doing any of the following behaviors or accepting these attitudes you will know that you are healing your wounds and that you do indeed have the courage to change the things within you that are within your control.

 

¥ When you acknowledge that you were an abused child, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are able to ask for help from others, you are on the right track.

¥ When you acknowledge that you are no longer a victim, you are on the right track.

¥ When you don't blame others and take responsibility for yourself, you are on the right track.

¥ When you begin to show your feelings more, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are stopping your own abusive behaviors, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are not trying to control others, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are willing to take responsibility for your own abusive behaviors, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are willing to acknowledge the hurt you have caused others, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are being honest with people close to you on a daily basis, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are willing to recognize your mistakes, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are willing to help other wounded men, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are able to identify ways that you contributed to a conflict in your relationship, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are able to tell yourself that you are a good and valuable person, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are able to appreciate your partner's point of view, you are on the right track.

¥ When you are able to tell your partner, "You're Right", you are on the right track.

¥ When you are able not to let your old feelings and attitudes dictate how you will relate to others, you are on the right track.

¥ By reading this book, you are on the right track.

 

 

 

Chapter Three     

The Abuse and the Wounds

 

       If you are like most wounded men, you may not be certain if you were abused or if what you experienced was really abuse. Having a definition of abuse is a necessary first step to being able to say to yourself or others, "I was abused." Understanding how abuse affects men will also help you identify your own particular wounds.

 

What Is Abuse?

       Think for a moment about what you consider to be abuse. If you are like most men, your first thoughts will be about physical violence--being beaten, having bones broken, being caused to bleed, or having been bruised. But do you consider fondling or oral sex as abuse? How about witnessing family violence? What about being called derogatory names or being locked in a closet? Most men don't immediately associate these behaviors with abuse. Yet abuse encompasses a wide range of behaviors and is not limited to physical abuse or violence that causes injuries.

       The four types of child abuse are: physical; sexual; psychological (which includes witnessing spouse abuse); and physical and emotional neglect. These are not distinct categories and there is much overlap. In fact children rarely experience only on type of abuse. For example, you probably also experienced psychological abuse if you were physically or sexually abused. Or you may have experienced both physical and sexual abuse. If you witnessed your father physically abuse your mother (psychological abuse), then you may also have been a victim of physical abuse by either parent.  What do all these forms of abuse have in common? First, each form of abuse has a negative impact on the child's physical and emotional development. Years of professional experience has shown that one out of three adults who grew up in a violent home will experience serious problems. Second, all forms of abuse can be stopped. Both perpetrators and victims can break the cycle by getting help.  This may be an important part of your healing process. You may be abusing others or be in a position to stop an abuser from hurting someone else.

       Third, all forms of abuse are against the law. Child abuse is now illegal in all states. Why? Children, because of their lack of intellectual, emotional, and physical maturity, are unable to protect themselves from adults. Adults have more power over children and, therefore are in a position to exploit that power.

       Let's look more specifically at the types of behaviors included within each form of child abuse.

 

Physical Abuse

       As with any definition of violence, the extremes are easy to identify. A light slap on a child's bottom is probably not child abuse, but breaking a child's jaw definitely is. It is with the in-between cases that you are likely to have trouble separating abuse from what you may have thought was normal punishment. You can distinguish abuse from "normal" or "acceptable" corporal punishment by physical and emotional injuries.

       Physical injuries may have occurred as a result of having been:

 

¥slapped

¥punched

¥choked

¥kicked

¥bitten

¥burned

¥clawed

¥scratched

¥having your hair pulled

¥ being hit with a belt, stick, cane, pipe, whip or any object.

 

Injuries range from:

 

¥receiving bruises

¥black eyes

¥welts on the skin

¥being caused to bleed

¥having bones broken

¥being wounded with a knife or gun.

 

       By today's legal standards, physical child abuse is defined as any corporal punishment that either leaves marks or is potentially dangerous to the child.

       Jerry came to see me to learn hypnosis.  He was a profesisonal football player and need to stop a chain-smoking habit.  I asked him when were times he was likely to smoke more.  He answered, "When ever I visit my parents."  When I asked why Jerry recalled having been physically abused by his father:

 

   My dad was a physician. Everyone used to tell me what a great father I had. We lived in a small town in western Colorado, and he was the only doctor. In fact, he delivered many of my friends.

   But I used to dread his coming home at night. He'd slowly pound his feet up the steps to the front door. I used to count the steps. He'd come inside, close the windows, and pull all the shades. He'd look for me to find out what I had done wrong that day. As he was looking he'd pull off his belt and start calling for me. I'd hide under my bed, in my closet, or down in the basement, but he would always find me. He'd make me pull down my pants and underpants. Then he'd take that brown belt of his and begin to beat the living daylights out of me.

   My ass hurt for days when I would sit down. My mother would turn away; she'd pretend that nothing was happening. I couldn't cry when he beat me or else he'd hit me harder. I hated him for so long.       

      

       Not all victims of physical abuse experience physical injuries. For example, Micheal came to counseling to deal with his anger--especially with his wife.  Although he was only five-foot-four inches tall, when he would get angry he became a giant of a guy.  He never hit his wife but would yell and intimidate her.  He was abused by his stepfather, but never once was there a physical injury:

 

     He would slap me in the face all the time. I mean really all the time. I remember one week when he slapped me on eight different occasions. I was terrified of him.

     Sometimes he'd slap me for breaking a rule; other times he would slap me for nothing. He would sometimes correct my homework and make me sit down next to him and make the corrections. If I didn't do it right, he'd slap me on the back of the head.

     I never thought of this as abuse because he never made me bleed--except on one occasion--or it never left marks. But when you asked me how I felt about it rather than what I thought about it, well, it felt like abuse.

 

Sexual Abuse

       Child sexual abuse is any kind of forced or exploitive sexual contact or attempted sexual contact between adults and a person under the age of eighteen. To exploit someone is to take advantage of greater power or status over another person. Obviously, your parents or other caretakers, such as, school teachers, neighbors, friend of the family, or a day care worker, had greater power and status than you. You might have been forced into sexual abuse or manipulated or tricked into touching someone or being touched.

       Sexual touch can be obvious or subtle:

 

¥being orally or anally penetrated

¥being touched on the penis or buttocks

¥being touched sexually on the legs, arms, back or other parts of the body

      

       Sexual abuse may also involve:

 

¥being forced to watch a person expose himself or herself

¥being tricked or forced into exposing yourself

¥obscene phone calls

      

       Bret, thirtyfive and a lab tech at a local hospital, was arrested for sexually abusing his stepdaughter. Once he entered a group for other incest offenders he disclosed that he had also been a victim of sexual abuse. He described how his father would trick him into performing sexual favors: "My father used to come into my room at night and want to play a game with me for money. He would hide a dollar bill in his clothes and I would have to find it. He used to hide it in his ass or wrapped around his penis. I would touch him and he would get an erection. Then he'd tell me what I would have to do for another dollar."

       Leonard, a seven foot tall bus driver who play professional baskeball until sustaining a serious knee injury, was sexually abused by his father.  He described how he felt intruded upon sexually by his stepfather before he touched him: "He used to undress in front of me and barge into my room when I was getting ready for bed. Sometimes he'd come into the bathroom when I was taking a bath or a shower and stare at me. I could tell he was getting excited. It felt so uncomfortable but I didn't know what to say at first. I mean he never touched me until a year or so later."

 

Psychological Abuse

       Psychological abuse is very difficult for men to define. Psychological abuse includes:

 

¥name calling

¥humiliation

¥rejection

¥putdowns

¥degrading

¥belittling

¥being made to feel ashamed of oneself

¥isolation

¥being corrupted

¥threats of abuse

¥threats to kill

¥witnessing marital violence.

      

       Tony endured years of mental cruelty, or emotional abuse, from his father. Ultimately this treatment caused him to have low self-esteem. He was very critical of himself and would get very defensive at even constructive feedback from his wife. His wife insisted that they get into couples counseling and Tony reluctantly went along.  A shy man by nature, Tony grew up during the depression so learning to talk about feelings wasn't a priority.  What he did learn, however, was about psychological abuse.  He described how his father would mentally beat him down:

 

When he would yell at me, it would be so loud that I couldn't even hear the dog bark or the phone ring. He would corner me and stand over me like a raging monster. He would call me every name in the book and then he would threaten to beat me if I didn't repeat what he said. I would call myself all those names and he would raise his fist at me if I forgot one. Afterwards I would look in the mirror and I would see what he said to me. I really was what he said I was. I didn't think about hating him, all I could think about was what a piece of shit I was.

      

Isolation

       Psychological abuse may also include having been isolated for hours or days.

       Jerry described his being sent to his room for days on end. Tony remembered being locked in a closet for hours. Other men I have talked with have described being chained to the bathroom sink or tied to their bed.  This type of psychological abuse--confinement--can be especially frightening. It caused each man to think that, as a boy, he was alone in the world, that no one could help him, and that he had to endure his pain alone.

      

Being Corrupted

       Having been corrupted is another type of psychological abuse. This includes having been exposed to very negative role models or not having had limits set on your problem behaviors.        

       Barry's father frequently came home drunk with prostitutes and made Barry watch them have sex in the living room. When Barry became a teenager his father would encourage him to participate in these activities.

       Having been abandoned by his parents, Rob was raised by his alcoholic grandparents.  As an adolescent his grandparents would encourage Rob to get drunk. On occasison he would visit his real mother and would watch her freebase cocaine or use needles with her friends. In fact, his she also allowed Rob to use drugs and alcohol, which ultimately led to his developing a serious addiction of his own.

      

Threats

       Many parents threaten children with physical punishment if they misbehave. An appropriate punishment, such as loss of privileges, can be an effective way of teaching a child the difference between proper and improper behavior. Having been threatened with violence can be a very damaging form of psychological abuse, especially when taken to extremes. Sam, for example, recalled how his father threatened to kill him and described explicitly how he would do it with his hunting knife Mark's father told him he would "break every bone in his body."  Rob's grandfather would become verbally abusive when he was drunk.  On one occassion he threaten to strangle Rob with his belt.

      

 

Witnessing Parental Violence

       Another form of psychological abuse is having witnessed violence between your parents. Such experiences can be terrifying for a young person to watch and can leave deep emotional scars.  Barry recalls the night his mother murdered his father:

    

     Arguments between Mother and Father were a common experience growing up in my household. But I had a feeling that night was going to be different. Father was in his usual alcoholic rage, swearing at Mom. Chairs and other pieces of furniture were being knocked around. The sounds of slaps and punches echoed in my head. My mother's voice gradually became hoarse from her screaming and crying. Then there was a loud scream and then--silence.

     Mom walked out of the bedroom, where most of the fights took place, and passed out on the living-room couch. I looked into the bedroom and I saw my father on the floor. I thought at first he was asleep; he laid there so quiet and peaceful. Then I saw the pool of blood.

     The next thing I remember the police were all over the place, asking questions, taking photographs, carrying my father away in a plastic bag, and arresting her. I hated them both and I swore at that moment I would hate them forever.

      

Physical and Emotional Neglect

       You may not be able to pinpoint specific acts of physical, sexual, or psychological violence that occurred in your childhood. For you it may not have been what your parents did to you, but what they didn't do. In other words they may have neglected to provide essential care to you as a child. Certainly the kind of clothes you wore, the type and amount of food you ate, the number of toys you owned, and the places you traveled were dependent on your family's financial resources. However, your parents may have failed to provide you with such necessities regardless of their financial resources.

       Physical neglect includes:

 

¥not providing medical care, food, clothing, supervision or proper shelter for a child

¥permitting or encouraging a child to participate in negative or unhealthy behaviors       

      

Physical Neglect

       Leonard's stepfather drank away his paychecks. As a result, the family was forced to live in an unheated, barren basement for most of his childhood. Rob's grandparents didn't provide proper medical care for him. For most of his childhood they were out drinking, so Rob and his younger sister were forced to find food and cook for themselves. He frequently cut school in order to take care of his younger sister. One year he missed half the school year. His grandmother's response to the school principal was, "He's seven years old. He can decide for himself."

       Neglect may also have been in the form of a lack of supervision. As a young child, Micheal remembered being left alone in the house for days at a time, having to prepare his own meals, wash his own clothes, and walk himself to school. After his father and mother divorced, Micheal lived with his mother. She was cold, distant, and generally unavailable. As an adult he's had a great deal of difficulty being physically or emotionally close to anyone, even his wife.

       Having been encouraged and permitted to engage in negative behaviors is another form of physical and emotional neglect. Andrew was referred for counseling as a condition of parole.  Having been recently relased from jail he was making an effort to get his act together.  He was attending AA and had found a steady job as a machinist.  Counseling wasn't new to him--he was "talking to the man" as far back as he could remember.  He described to me what at the time seemed to have been a free and easy childhood:

 

I used to think that I couldn't have had an easier childhood. My parents didn't care what time I came home. They would let me use their alcohol and pot. I would be stoned or drunk during dinner and my father wouldn't know the difference. They didn't hassle me if I flunked a class or got a notice for cutting altogether. Yes, I had an easy life. Then the trouble started when my girlfriend got pregnant and I got busted for drugs in school. My parents did nothing. I kept getting into more trouble and they kept doing nothing. I kept asking for help by getting into more trouble and they kept doing nothing. By the time I was fourteen, I would get drunk at home in front of my parents. I got kicked out of high school and started stealing to get money for drugs. I was in and out of juvenile hall for most of my teens and then when I turned eighteen I started getting to know the adult system. I have served two three-year terms in jail. I've been fucked, beaten, and stabbed. My life has been a downhill road from day one. Getting into trouble is my old friend and I hate to say goodbye to him.

      

Emotional Neglect

       Emotional neglect may be the most difficult form of abuse for you to identify in your own childhood. It also may have had the most damaging effects on your life.

      

       Emotional neglect consists of:

 

¥not having been loved

¥not having received affection, empathy and genuine caring

 

       Most of us can say there were brief times when we felt that our parents didn't love, care about, or understand us. But emotional neglect is not just a fleeting feeling you get when you don't get your way. It is something that is pervasive, ongoing and evident in certain observable behaviors.     

       Tony felt unloved by his father. His dad never showed any physical affection and never told Tony that he loved him. His father was cold, distant and still is to this day. When Tony was five years old he asked his father if he loved him. His father replied, "Only when you are good." Michael frequently got verbally abused by his father, so he grew up assuming that his father didn't love him. Rob's mother and father were divorced. He never knew his father. Rob was essentially raised by his grandparents when they weren't drunk.

       The extreme withholding of love and affection can be as traumatic to a child as physical violence. Barry's father continually told him, "I hate you. You are a worthless son of a bitch and no one is ever going want you."  Sam's mother got drunk and called him "an unlovable piece of shit."  It is easy to see how an emotionally abused child may grow up to feel extremely inhibited--prevented from discussing his difficulties with friends and family members, believing that he must solve his problems alone.

       Having an alcoholic or drug addicted parent can also cause emotional neglect. If one or both of your parents were generally intoxicated or high, they were probably unable to provide you with proper supervision, attention, and love. Even if only one of your parents was addicted, chances are that your other parent was so absorbed with the problems of his or her spouse that no one was emotionally available for you. If you grew up in a single-parent family where there was alcoholism or other addictions, you probably ended up taking care of your parent rather than the reverse, as it should be.

       Having had pathological role models as parents can also be a form of emotional neglect. Rob's mother was involved in criminal activity. Rob was exposed to all types of seedy characters as a child. For him, experiencing the dark side of life was common place. It was just as frightening for Rob to be in his mother's house as it was to be on the street. Rob learned to not be afraid of breaking the rules. He even figured out how to outsmart the system once he started getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly.

 

The Effects of Abuse

       The effects of abuse generally fall into three categories: emotional, attitudinal and behavioral. If you suffer from emotional effects of abuse, you will either experience overwhelming feelings or have troubling identifying them at all. Feeling reactions include: anger, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, fear, anxiety, and depression.

 

       Intrusive thoughts or flashbacks are linked with emotional reactions because they usually carry with them a great deal of emotional charge. When an idea or something we see or hear that reminds us either consciously or subconsciously about the traumatic event, it triggers an emotion or memories connected to the abuse.

       Attitudinal reactions have to do with your attitudes towards yourself and others. Two common reactions to childhood abuse in this category are: low self-esteem and distrust of self and others.

       Finally, behavioral reactions are manifestations of feelings and attitudes. These include destructive behaviors, such as violence and addictions; and issues relating to sexuality, such as sexual orientation confusion, hypersexuality, or loss of sexual desire.

 

Emotional Reactions

 

Anger

       Feeling anger is one of the most common reactions to having been abused. The pain of being rejected by a trusted adult created a bundle of anger of you that you have kept in all these years. Eventually you will express those feelings either directly or indirectly.  More often than not, you will misdirect it towards others.

       Anger is a normal reaction to being abused. Ordinarily anger tells us that we are uncomfortable with a situation and motivates us to respond appropriately. Unfortunately you were probably unable to express your anger directly to your abuser because it only increased the likelihood of more abuse. You may have also gotten the message from your abuser that getting angry was inappropriate, disrespectful, or just plain wrong. So the anger doesn't go away by itself, it sits and festers.  And over time that anger turns into rage and gets harder to ignore.

       If you feel uncomfortable with your anger you will purposefully try to avoid situations that make you feel more anger. Gradually your goal becomes to not feel or show anything. This pattern may be so automatic for you that you lose touch with your feelings altogether.

       Sam still feels a great deal of anger toward both his parents. He describes why:

 

My father would come home drunk just about every night. He'd ask my mother what I did wrong that day. She was so afraid of him, she would tell him something just to keep him off her back. I thought she was a weak bitch for sacrificing me for her own ass. He'd come into my room and wake me up. He'd start hitting me with anything that was nearby--a ruler, a piece of track from my train set. Once, he started poking a pen into my butt. I tried not to cry so that I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he was hurting me. I was terrified even when I heard the car drive up into the garage. I hated him then and I still hate his guts.

      

Other Emotions

       In addition to anger you may also feel sad, lonely and hopeless. Your inner sadness at being abused by a trusted parent, relative, or friend can sometimes be beyond words. Being unable to express your feelings, you probably felt a great deal of loneliness. You think, "No one knows how much I hurt inside." You may have also felt hopeless that the abuse would ever stop. The physical pain would disappear after a matter of hours or days, but this emotional pain has lasted for years.

       Feelings usually travel in groups--if you're feeling one you may be also feeling others. Some men find that they have to express their anger before they can get to those more vulnerable emotions.  Anger and sadness are like the shell and yolk of an egg. The yoke is the precious part of the egg where new life begins; the shell needs to be hard enough to protect that new life. However, you need to break out of that shell of anger eventually to begin a new life.

       Like anger, these feelings are probably not easy for you to express, but they are just as important to release. Why? Because many of the behavioral problems that you will read about later are in part caused by a lack of comfort with or an inability to communicate these feelings.

       Men are conditioned from early childhood not to feel or express their feelings. Tapes like, "Feelings are not manly" or "Big boys don't cry" play in your mind more than you are probably aware.  Few men have seen their father cry. Our television and movie heroes don't cry. When our sports heroes lose, they go out and drink their sorrows away. Yet within every man who was wounded as a child is a hurt, sad boy who yearns to be held and comforted. If you do not express these feelings they will snowball and cause depression. These intense feelings can take you over and, at times, may be overwhelming.

 

Fear

       Fear is another emotion that you have felt for many years. As a child it kept you alert and focused on danger and probably saved you from being abused at times. Today that fear may not be so helpful It may keep you from making intimate commitment to others. You may be overly suspicious of the people around you. This fear may also keep you from expressing your feelings.  In a relationship your fears can lead to jealousy and distrust.

 

Depression                                                              

       When you do not acknowledge and express your emotions in a healthy way, feelings of anxiety or depression can result. Depression can feel like a cloud hovering over you, day in and day out. You will lose interest or the ability to concentrate in most activities. You may have a significant gain or loss of weight, sleep problems, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, or even thoughts of suicide. Anxiety, on the other hand, may lead to excessive worry about self or others, physical restlessness or nervousness, heart palpitations, sweating, stomach problems, and trouble falling asleep. Medication can help to lift depression or calm anxiety in the short run; but learning to handle your emotions will ultimately help you learn to develop control over these reactions to childhood abuse.

 

Flashbacks                                                              

       You may be experiencing flashbacks in the form of fantasies, intrusive thoughts or feelings, daydreams, or nightmares. These are caused by unresolved traumatic experiences that carry a heavy load of emotion. You may remember specific incidents of violence from your childhood when you find yourself in situations that remind you of your abuse. Leonard, who was sexually abused by his stepfather, would remember specific incidents of sexual abuse whenever he would have sex.

 

Whenever we were having sex, I would remember how he used to sneak into my room at night and begin to masturbate me. It was like I was somewhere else. I wasn't with the person I was with. I would leave the room in my mind and begin to think about other things so I wouldn't think about her. Sometimes I would lose my erection, and at other times I just wouldn't have an orgasm. It wasn't until I began to talk about it with my counselor and began talking about my feelings that I was able to get a handle on those thoughts.

      

       You may also remember specific incidents of abuse when you feel emotions that are similar to how you felt as a child. Sam graphically described one argument he had with his partner.

 

I was chasing her around the house, and when I passed by a large mirror we had in the hall, I stopped and looked at myself and all I could see was my father. I saw his scraggly beard and messy hair, I remembered his alcohol breath, his clenched fist and the hatred in his eyes. There he was, or was it just my imagination? My father had died fifteen years ago but I saw, at that moment, that he was still alive--inside of me. I vaguely heard my wife crying in the bedroom. When I came to my senses, I went to the door of the room and I told her I was leaving. I spent the night in a hotel.

 

For both of these men, their flashbacks were very real and present.  And, most importantly, they interfered with their ability to handle the present situation appropriately.

       Your flashbacks may not be in the form of memories but of feelings. You may not remember specific incidents but you do remember the feelings that went along with those incidents. Sam was able to recall all of the violence between his father and mother but he did remember his reactions to it. He remembers feeling so upset that he would run into his room and hide in the closet and stay there for hours. Thirty years later, whenever he and his wife argue, he experiences those same fears and desire to run away. He would want to hide in his closet. The feelings he experiences were just as real as they were thirty years ago. Flashbacks also come in the form of dreams, nightmares and daydreams.

       Flashbacks do not mean that you are crazy. They do mean that certain memories carry with them an emotional charge and therefore they become intrusive, asking for attention. When the memories are discussed and the feelings that are associated with the event are also discharged, flashbacks are less likely to occur. Jerry had disturbing fantasies for many years:

 

I used to have these thoughts about killing people. I'm talking about people that I loved. These thoughts would come up especially when I was angry. When I started coming to therapy, I didn't want to talk about them because I thought you would think I was crazy. What's interesting is that when I started talking about the abuse and getting my anger out, those thoughts came up less often.

 

       If you are unable to deal productively with your feelings, either about past experiences or current situations, those unexpressed emotions will find an outlet in either self-destructive behaviors or acting-out towards others. Feelings, like termites, are not always apparent but if you look closely you'll find them just below the surface bent on destruction.

 

 

Attitudinal Reactions to Abuse

 

Low Self-Esteem                                                       

       Low self-esteem, feeling bad about yourself, or shame are common effects of child abuse. You may have received messages, both subtle and direct, that you were worthless, bad, or crazy. Your parents may have been extremely critical, degrading, or humiliating, and eventually you began to believe these messages.

       Having been blamed for the abuse is another reason why men have a poor self-image. The abuser may have called you provocative or seductive. You may have believed that you could actually do something to stop the abuse toward yourself or others. Eventually you began to blame yourself for the abuser's problems: "If only I had been a better child."

       Over time low self-esteem becomes generalized. It affects every part of your life--at home, at work, at play, and with friends. Men with low self-esteem often find themselves being taken advantage of by others. They have difficulty standing up for their beliefs. They feel depressed, hopeless, and self-critical. Most importantly, they lose a sense of who they are as they try to live up to others' expectations and in the process lose sight of their own feelings and needs.  

       You may have the type of low self-esteem that is direct; you will just come right out and talk about your stupidity or worthlessness. Or you may take an indirect route, by acting as mean and tough as you can. That way you get others to think that way about you and you can tell yourself, "You see, I am a piece of shit."

       Now that you have decided to heal, it is time to take yourself off the hook. That involves saying to yourself, and believing, that you were not to blame for the abuse.  It also means telling yourself that you are a valuable, good person. Reminding yourself of this fact and acting like you believe it can be helpful in the healing journey.

       Barry describes such a change in attitude within himself:

                                                                       

When I left home my father could no longer beat me. Then I began to beat me. I was always telling myself how worthless I was, no one in their right mind would love me. I was always messing up my life. I blamed myself for everything, including my parents' anger and unhappiness. I was carrying quite a weight on my shoulders. These thoughts about myself showed themselves in every part of my life. I couldn't keep a job for more than a year or so. I was married three times. I was always getting in trouble with the law.  I had a serious alcohol and drug problem. I would look at all of this and just keep reminding myself how fucked up I was. It wasn't until I started dealing with the feelings beneath all of these behaviors that I began to turn it around. The first step was to realize that the violence wasn't my fault and that I had to stop beating myself up or I would keep on a downward spiral.

      

Inablity to Trust

       Like low self-esteem, feeling distrustful of others can lead to many problems in relationships. Because the ones you trusted the most caused you great pain, you learned that the people who are closest to you will hurt you. If you can't trust your parents, or other important adults who are there to care for you, who can you trust? It is easy to see how you may come to this conclusion. Because of your experiences with abuse you may have learned to associate trust and closeness with pain and rejection. When this happens, you may find it very difficult to let a woman or man close to you. Your extreme difficulty trusting people may lead you to become overly suspicious or even paranoid.

       William was sexually and psychologically abused by his step-father. He was in jail for physically assaulting his wife. During an interview to determine if he was motivated for treatment he described how distrust can lead a person to suspiciousness and even paranoia:

 

I would fuck me in my ass that it would bleed.  I would hurt so badly the next day that I'd cut school so my teachers and friends wouldn't see my discomfort with sitting all day. I thought it was all behind me until I got married. I never really trusted my wife. I was always expecting her to hurt me in some way. Sometimes she wouldn't be home when I called or she would be late coming home at night. I would give her the third degree. She had to explain every movement she made, otherwise, I would go nuts. It got to the point that I would miss work to follow her around during the day. I was looking for trouble. I was obsessed with thinking that she was going to mess around. It was ironic that I was the one who ultimately had an affair. 

      

Behavioral Reactions to Abuse

      

Being Abusive Towards Others

       Becoming physically, sexually or psychologically abusive toward others is one of the most common behavioral responses to childhood abuse. Men, in general, are prone to acting out their inner feelings when they lack the skills to express them; and you may have learned in childhood that violence was an effective means to an end.  Your feelings may be so powerful that when you do react it's in an extreme manner. This pattern may be so frightening to you that you try to supress the feelings as much as possible.  So you put your emotions into a trunk and hide it in the basement of your mind. However, these feelings do not go away: They affect you everyday, exerting their influence in many negative ways.

       The combination of unresolve feelings and poor communication skills is dangerous. When a highly charged situation arises you are likely to respond in an aggressive manner if you haven't learned how to manage those feelings. In addition, you are likely to let out all those old feelings at the same time. The recipents of your rage are bound to feel frightened by the extent of your anger. If they are feeling the least bit defensive or criticize you for your excessive anger, an escalation is inevitable. If you escalate your already intense feelings you are likely to resort to your most primal method of coping with stress--violence. Violence brings about an end to the conflict but only serves to push the one you love away and gives you more amunition to get down on yourself.

       Many men who were abused as children end up abusing their own child. This may occur for the reason stated above or for another, psychologically more complex reason. Having been abused you probably felt quite powerless to do anything to stop your abuser. He or she may have threatened or tricked, you or it was simply too dangerous to resist given your small size and relative weakness. That sense of powerlessness may have followed you into adulthood. You may still feel victimized by others, helpless to determine your own fate. It is true that victimizing someone who is less powerful than you, who you can have control over, can make you feel more powerful. The obvious problem with this method of feeling more powerful is that it is at the expense of someone else's safety (and it is against the law). You may think of this as an reenactment of your own abuse, but this time you're in charge. There are other ways of feeling strong and in control without infringing upon the rights and well-being of others, especially those whom you love and should be protecting.

      

Abusing Chemicals

       Substance abuse, is another way to avoid feeling your pain. If you get high, then you don't have to feel anything. If you subsequently get angry and violent, then you don't have to feel the sadness and fear. In today's society there is a great deal of permission for us to anesthetize ourselves to our pain and misery. Alcohol is the most easily accessible drug to this end. You can use it to take the edge off the day, to induce a highly euphoric state, or to knock yourself unconscious. Other drugs such as marijuana, cocaine, barbiturates, amphetamines, and prescription drugs are also effective ways to numb yourself to your emotional pain.

       The problem with this method of coping with pain is that eventually the anesthetic wears off and you have to experience the pain. And the pain will always be there unless you do something about it. Healing your wounds is that something.

 

Compulsive Behaviors                                                

       Compulsions, or becoming preoccupied with externals--whether it's work, exercise, relationships or sex--can also be an effective means to avoid internal feelings. As long as you are focused on what's happening out there, you are not going to pay much attention to what's happening inside.

       The price for these compulsions is very high. As long as you expect something or someone to take away your inner pain, you will never heal the underlying wound that's causing the pain. It's like ignoring the fact that your car needs new tires. Sooner or later you're going get a flat. This is the relationship between behavioral reactions to abuse and feeling reactions. You can only ignore the feelings so long. Eventually they come out, and it usually involves hurting yourself or others.

       The greatest cost of compulsing about externals is the loss of yourself. When you become so absorbed with whatever you are addicted to, you lose touch with your own feelings and thoughts.  You become a stranger to yourself. This is called alienation. If you can't have a real relationship with yourself, you won't be able to have one with others. You become a lonely person, with only your compulsion to keep you warm at night. 

       John, who was sexually abused as a child, had a number of compulsions that kept him from facing his own inner pain and anger.

                                                                       

I got involved in work. Involved is an understatement. I got addicted to work. I became so obsessed with it that I would spend all of my free time doing work-related activities. I hardly spent any of my time with my family. In fact my wife would encourage me. I think she knew I was running away from something and I think she was as frightened about those feelings as I was. All the while, I knew on some level I was running away from something. And I just couldn't put my finger on it. I would work at least twelve hours a day. I wouldn't even go home for dinner. I'd eat out, and off I would go back to the office until early in the morning. Sometimes I would sleep there. I never got to spend time with my kids. They grew up without a father. I was a ghost in their life. I lost touch with my wife, and she eventually left me, but most of all I lost touch with myself.

      

 

Sexual Orientation Confusion

       Questioning your sexual orientation is a common reaction to abuse, especially if you were sexually abused by a man. In fact you may have already asked yourself, "Am I a homosexual?" Research indicates that there is a link between childhood victimization of boys and homosexual activity later in life. This doesn't mean that a boy will become a homosexual but there may be some homosexual activity. However, the relationship may not be cause and effect. Some boys may, for a variety of other reasons, already be predisposed to homosexuality before being abused. Therefore they may be more likely to be at risk for homosexual child abuse. For some boys an early experience with a man may have contributed to a decision as an adult to engage in homosexual relationships. For some men the decision to engage in homosexual relationships may be independent of a childhood victimization.

       Sexual lifestyles, for the most part, are determined by both biology and our experience. We are all born sexual beings and the choices we make, either consciously or unconsciously, to engage in heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual relationships are based on many factors; including physiology, early childhood experiences, and sexual experimentation. Do not assume that homosexuality is necessarily a direct response to child sexual abuse. Sexual lifestyle choices are complex and therefore cannot be reduced to one event or factor.

       One night in a wounded men's group homosexuality was the topic of discussion. To everyone's surprise each man in the group had either had a homosexual experience or contemplated such an experience at least once. Research has also shown that this is not unusual. Over one-third of all men have either contemplated or actually had a homosexual experience. Just the same, this sexual confusion can be very frightening to you if you were sexually abused by another man or by a woman. You are probably feeling afraid of what other men and women would think of you if they knew you had this type of experience. Their judgments of you can be especially frightening if you are also conflicted about your own sexual orientation.

       John was confused about his sexual orientation, especially when he moved into an area where homosexuality was more socially visible.

 

My uncle sexually abused me and it always left a lingering thought in my mind that maybe I was gay. As a result I never had any close male friendships as I was growing up because I was afraid of any physical affection they might show toward me. I was also afraid of what people would think of us.

When I moved to California I was especially nervous because I wasn't always sure who was gay and who was straight. And I didn't want anyone to think I was gay, that's for sure. I remember when I joined this men's group some time ago, it was the first time I had ever made close men friends. Well out here everybody hugs everybody. It's considered normal. But not by me. When one of my friends used to hug me in public, I would get real embarrassed. What if people thought I was gay?

I began to talk about my fears of being homosexual when I got into counseling. A lot of my fears had to do with my being abused by a man, but some of my fears also had to do with a bias against gays in general. Hearing that I wasn't the only sexual abuse victim who felt this way helped. Once I was able to talk about those fears, and sort out my sexual abuse issues from personal biass, I wasn't so afraid of men, gay or straight. After a while I could even let myself be affectionate with another man. Now I just don't think about it so often. I just do what comes naturally.

      

Sexual Behavior Problems

       Sexual problems such as hypersexuality, or lack of sexual desire, or specific sexual dysfunctions, such as impotence (inability to get or maintain an erection) or premature ejaculation (ejaculating before you want to), can also be a result of childhood abuse. Intense feelings that are repressed may affect sexual functioning. Loss of sexual desire can be a way to deal with uncomfortable feelings that arise during sex, or a result of uncomfortable feelings, flashbacks, or negative associations. Hypersexuality, like most addictions, can also be a way of avoiding thoughts and feelings about childhood abuse.

 

Don't Judge Yourself

       This description of the effects of abuse is an overview of the most common problems that most men experience. You may find that you can identify with some of these characteristics and not with others. Try not to be critical of yourself for having any particular problem. No judgment is intended in these descriptions.

       We all have problems that are uncomfortable to face personally, let alone talk about with others. Taking a good hard look at your problems can be an excellent opportunity for you to beat yourself up or blame your abuser or family for your difficulties, but neither of these reactions will be helpful to healing. Beating yourself up only makes you feel worse, and blaming others gives away the power you need to change your life. This why I emphasize the importance of developing a positive attitude toward your healing journey. For example, thinking of your healing process as heroic can help you to reframe your struggles in a positive way. It takes a great deal of courage to face your demons. Few men take on this challenge unless they are confronted with a personal crisis. Even if you are not face to face with such a crisis in your life, use this opportunity to come to terms with your inner feelings, confront self-defeating attitudes, and change destructive behaviors. Doing so will enable you to meet the challenge of life's adventures ahead.

 

 

Chapter Four               

Breaking Denial: "I was an abused child!"

 

       As a child you were probably very resourceful, discovering many ways to avoid being hurt and lessen the pain and confusion.  If you were fortunate, you were able to find help or develop a supportive relationship with an adult or peer.   If you were less fortunate, you may have become violent or used drugs or alcohol to numb the pain.  You probably also learned to use minimization and denial to get through each day.  These methods of coping that may have helped in the short run, but over the long run will only cause more problems in your life.     Breaking through your denial and accurately naming your experiences rather than minimizing them is what the first stage of healing--awareness and disclosure--is all about.

 

Minimization and Denial

       When you were a child, you probably never talked about your abuse. Your parents may have told you explicitly not to talk about family problems.  They may have also minimized and denied the abuse giving you a subtle message to do the same.  For example, your abuser may have told you that what was happening was normal and that other children have similar experiences.  The abuser may have also given you the message that others would think badly of you if they knew; or that you deserved the abuse and that telling others would only bring you shame.  No matter what the case, you probably got the message that it was wrong to talk about the abuse.

       Evan, a 17 year high school junior old was referred because of truancy and aggression with peers.  After ten sessions he told me how his mother was teaching him how to masturbate.  He described in detail, showing no emotion, the sexual acts perpetrated by his mother for several years.  He told me that he thought that all mothers taught their sons about sex through this means.  When I asked him who told him this, he said, "My mother."

       Abused children not only minimize and deny the abuse they may also deny their feelings as well.  Sam described his childhood as "feelingless, walking around like a zombie."  He would frequently witness his father severely batter his mother.  His father would also physically abuse him.  One crisis after another didn't phase him.  Until one day a seemingly minor problem openned the floodgates; He began to express feelings long forgotten. 

 

A year ago when I first got into therapy I was asked how I felt about my wife leaving me.  I didn't know what the hell that shrink was talking about.  Six months later, my father died.  When I went to his funeral, I didn't shed a tear.  About four months later I was passed over for a promotion.  No sweat.  A couple of weeks later I was fixing the muffler on my car and I cut myself on a piece of metal.  It bled quite heavily.   All of a sudden, I began to cry and cry and cry.  I couldn't stop the bleeding or my crying.  I cried uncontrollably throughout that night and most of the next day.  I cried fifty-two years of tears I couldn't hold back anymore.

      

       Sam's minimization and denial begin in his childhood but continued into adulthood.   Like many wounded men he denied the abuse because acknowledging it would involve getting in touch with a lot of painful feelings.  Facing the reality and pain of the violence was so disturbing that blocking the incidents from his mind was the best way to avoid the discomfort.

       You may also have trouble acknowledging your abuse because of difficulty reconciling your negative and positive feelings about your parents or the person who abused you.  It's easier for you to block out of your mind one end of the continuum--usually the negative.  Bret, who disclosed in therapy that he was sexually abused by his father, said of him,  "He was the smartest man I knew as a child.  Dad was great!  He was perfect--well, except for this one problem.  But I still admire him a lot."  Bret talked dispassionately about the abuse, always making a point to remind me what a wonderful man his father was.  The goal of the counseling was not to get Bret to hate his father, but to acknowledge the abuse and his feelings of anger toward his father.  His denial was beginning to get in his way: Bret hadn't talked with his father for twenty years.  He had no male friends.  He was extremely dependent on his wife to fill all his needs for friendship and intimacy.  He had trouble communicating his feelings with his wife.  He was very afraid of her anger and would react very defensively.  And now he was being accused of sexually abusing his stepdaughter.  All of the problems in his life were forcing him to address this unresolved issue.

       You may be more prone to denial and minimization if the abuse that you experienced was less blatant.  Andrew's father never hit him or screamed at him; but he never showed any demonstrable signs of love: no hugs, no saying "I love you," no touching. He was cold and distant; no one was allowed to show feelings or to laugh.  Evan's mother would be walk arround the house naked.  She would sit down by Evan's side when he was watching television and begin to touch his penis.  Evan would feel very uncomfortable but he couldn't escape.  It was easy to say his mother was just trying to be affectionate.

 

 Rationalizations    

       One of the most common forms of denial is rationalizations.  This comes naturally to men because we often believe that we can think ourselves into or out of anything.  In this case we try to think ourselves out of feeling and remembering the abuse.  We try to think ourselves into feeling good about our abuser or believing that the abuse was no big deal.  But was it?

       How many times have you told yourself, "Well I deserved to get punished sometimes" or "I was a difficult child"? These are called rationalizations, and we use them to minimize or deny abusive experiences.  Evan would rationalize, "I was a very seductive kid.  I guess my mother had a difficult time controlling herself around me."  Rationalizations are forms of denial that serve to keep our defenses strong.   Through rationalizations you can avoid labeling yourself as having been abused.  Doing so keeps you in your head and out of your feelings.   Ultimately this form of denial keeps the blame on yourself rather than on the person who perpetrated the abusive behaviors. 

       Rationalizations are often meant to excuse the offender because, after all, "They didn't know what they were doing."  Bret's father was an alcoholic.  "He would get drunk and loose control.  He didn't know what he was doing,  If he did, I guess he wouldn't have done it."  Leonard understood his stepfather's sexual abuse of him as a result of his problematic marriage.  "My mom was always with her friends.  He was lonely and I was the only one around the house.  I guess it was better that it was me than a stranger." 

       Your rationalizations are efforts to think away the problem, find an excuse for the perpetrator, or minimize the seriousness of the act.  Most important, rationalizations keep you from feeling your emotions.  But these feelings don't go away--they sit and fester. Eventually they manifest in negative attitudes about yourself or others and in destructive behaviors.

 

 

How Do You Rationalize Your Abusive Experiences?

       Look at the list below.  Which ones apply to you?  What other rationalizations have you used?

 

Physical and Psychological abuse

¥I was a difficult kid to raise

¥I never used to listen to my parents

¥I didn't try to stop them

¥It was just normal punishment

¥They worked hard and were stressed out a lot

¥They would beat me only when I gave them a good reason

¥I asked for it

¥They were just trying to bring me up right

¥It taught me the difference between right and wrong

¥It made me stronger

¥I fought back  

¥I was a dumb kid

¥They had problems of their own

¥They had too many children

¥I was a demanding child

¥I had a lot of problems

¥I was always sick

¥I never told anyone

 

Neglect

¥My parents had it rough

¥They had too many children

¥I was a demanding child

¥They were just doing what other parents did

¥My demands for love were just too great

¥I was a sickly child

¥We were poor

 

Sexual abuse

¥I was seductive

¥I didn't stop it

¥I like how it felt sometimes

¥They needed my love and understanding

¥I was too affectionate

¥I wanted too much attention

¥I would dress improperly

¥My body developed too early

¥I would encourage him/her

¥I was lonely

¥I was needy

¥I enjoyed it

¥He/she was lonely

 

       Rationalizations prevent you from ultimately healing your wounds.  How do you break away from rationalizations?  By acknowledging to yourself that it was abuse.  You need to trust your gut.  If it felt wrong, then you are right!  Child specialists say that children have a built-in radar system that tells them when something is right and when it's wrong.  If you can recall how it felt then, it might help you decide today.

 

Were You Abused?

       Think about an incident that occurred to you as a child that you believe may have been abuse.  Remember what led up to the incident, what the person(s) did to you and how it felt at the time.  Pay attention to your gut feelings.  Knowing what you know now do you think it was abuse?

       It is important to say "I was abused" because labeling your experience as such, means that you are willing to tell the truth.  Abuse often happens behind a veil of secrecy.  When you tell the secret you are likely to feel a significant relief, as if you have laid down a burdon you have been carrying for many years.  Telling the truth is also necessary for you to acknowledge your hurt, anger, and pain.  And doing so will allow you to begin to let go of those intense feelings that you have been keeping inside for many years.  Finally, as with any problem, it will be very easy for you to slip back into denial.  Saying to yourself, "I was abused as a child" will help you to keep focused on your healing journey.  This is not an excuse for you to feel sorry for yourself or a rationalization for problems.  However, beginning to understand the root of your problems can help to change negative patterns in your life.

 

Disclosure: Telling Yourself, "I Was Abused"

       The first important stage in the healing process is to break through your denial by admitting to yourself that you were abused.  This may be very difficult because making this statement may contradict a deeply held belief that you were not a victim of abuse.  Recognizing you were abused may also mean viewing yourself, your parents, or the abuser in a different light.  If the perpetrator was a family member, there may be a significant change in your relationship with that person.  Telling yourself, "I was abused", will also put you in touch with some strong emotions that may initially confuse you or make you very uncomfortable. As you break down some of your defenses you will become more vulnerable, less certain, less steady in your daily mood.  Nonetheless taking the first step, disclosure, is very important because this is where healing begins.

      

Can You Say The Words?

       Although you may have already acknowledged your abusive childhood to yourself, you may have never vocalized the words, "I was abused."  Even if you think you have already acknowledged the abuse, you must also say the words. 

       Find a comfortable place where you won't be disturbed and say to yourself, "I was abused as a child."  You may want to be more specific and say, "I was sexually abused by my neighbor" or "I was physically abused by my father."  Say it again.  You may want to look at yourself in a mirror or talk into a tape recorder to see how you look or hear how it sounds.  

       How do you feel as you say these words?  Are you feeling scared? Sad? Angry? Embarrassed?  If you are having difficulty identifying your emotions, focus on your physical sensations.    Are you tense in the stomach, chest or head?  Are you feeling lightheaded or dizzy?  If you are not aware of your feelings right now, that's OK.  Identifying and expressing your feelings will follow as you develop specific skills in that area.  If you have identified how you are feeling either emotionally or physically, say it out loud.  For example:

 

¥ "I am feeling angry or scared as I am telling you."

¥ "I am feeling tense in my stomach right now."

¥ "I'm feeling very awkward being so direct about the abuse. "

¥ "I don't know what I am feeling right now as I tell you this."

 

       Verbally acknowledging the abuse and the feelings you may experience as you disclose the fact is an important first step in the healing process.

 

Remembering Details

       Once you have admitted to yourself that you were abused, the next step is to acknowledge exactly what happened.  This process will also help you better understand why the abuse occurred and how it ultimately affected you.

       Many men have trouble remembering the details of abusive incidents.  It is not uncommon to try to forget painful memories either consciously or unconsciously.  However, remembering details can be important for several reasons.  First, thinking about specific events will help to fight your tendency to deny the abuse altogether.  Second, remembering details of violence also helps you to resist the urge to rationalize the abuse.  Finally, recalling incidents of abuse helps to separate facts from fantasy.

 

What Specifics Come to Mind?

       Let's begin to get some of the facts down on paper.  Think about one incident that stands out in your mind, that represents the kind of abuse that you experienced as a child.  If you have experienced several types of abuse by the same or different people start with which ever type you feel affected you the most.  Write it down in whatever way comes naturally.  You may want to begin by describing the situation before the abuse occurred.  Try to include your actions, other people who were involved, and your feelings.  For example:

 

I was coming home from school one day with my report card.  I saw my sister on the street and she wanted to know how I did.  I was scared to show her but I did.  She told me I was going to get into trouble with Mom because I got a number of low grades and check marks under behavior.  I began to get really scared that I would get hit.  I also began to worry about Dad's reaction.

 

       Next describe as objectively as possible the abuse you experienced.  This may be extremely difficult for you because of the feelings that it may stimulate, but try to get through this part of the exercise.  The next stage will address how you feel about that experience now.  Again, try to be as specific as possible in your description.  For example:

 

When I got home my mother wanted to see my card.  When she looked at it I could see that she was going to explode.  She began to call me names like stupid, idiot, lazy, and she said that I would never amount to anything.  She went for the belt that was hanging in the kitchen and began to chase me to my room.  I jumped on my bed and she began to whip me.  She must have hit me twenty or thirty times.  It seemed to last forever.  I felt so scared and hurt.  My bottom hurt for days after.  I hated her so much.  I remember wanting to run away forever.  But I was stuck, there was no escape.

 

       Your own memory is not the only source of information about the abuse.  Talking with brothers, sisters, friends, and relatives can provide valuable information about what you were like as a child, statements you made at the time and bruises they may have seen on your body.  Some of them may have actually observed incidents of violence that you experienced.  Mark was able to talk directly with his family members.  They confirmed some memories but not others, and they remembered incidents that he had long forgotten or thought were insignificant.  Although initially Mark was very uncomfortable, his conversations with his parents and siblings about the abuse led him to feel much closer to his family than he ever did as a child.   For them, trust is rebuilding and forgiveness is possible. 

       You may find evidence of abuse amoung your old keepsakes.  Few boys kept diaries but many girls do.  Diaries are more common with women so ask your sister.  If you think your sister documented incidents of violence from childhood, find out if she would be willing to talk about it with you.  Drawings are another source.  Tony, for example, was artistically inclined as a child.  He would draw pictures that showed a very unhappy child.  Some of his drawings were violent in nature and one in particular was a picture of his father standing on top of him with a club in his hand.

      

How Does It  Feel to Read About Your Abuse?

       Writing about these experiences is likely to bring up some uncomfortable feelings.  If you can already identify your feelings, try to write them down as you reread the last exercise.  For example:

 

¥ "As I read about this incident with my father I feel angry  or sad  or afraid."

¥ "As I read about the incident with my neighbor I feel embarrassed and ashamed."

 

       You may also be feeling very confused and unable to sort out any specific emotion.  If this is the case, simply identify what physical sensations you feel in your body right now.  For example:

 

¥ "As I write this down I feel a knot in my stomach  or sweaty on the back of my neck  or tense in my face."

¥ "I don't know how I am feeling, I know I must be feeling a lot but I just can't sort them out at this moment."

      

       As you begin to heal you are likely to feel many intense and frightening emotions.  Over time you will be able to sort out the feelings and get better at identifying and communicating them.  Don't give up: it gets easier over time.

       At this point you may being saying to yourself, " I don't feel anything when I think about the abuse."  If that is the case, think about how you felt, when you were a child.  Try to remember your feelings at the time you were being abused.  For example:

 

¥ "I felt real angry at my neighbor for sexually abusing me." 

¥ "I was really afraid of my father.  I hated him when he'd hit me."

 

       Remembering how you felt then, may give you insight about how you are feeling now.  If you can't remember how you were feeling then or now, try to imagine how your child, niece, or nephew (if you have one) would feel if they experienced a similar type of abuse.  For example:

 

¥ "I would never hit my child the way my father hit me.  He'd be afraid of me.  I don't want that."

¥ "Sex with a child is wrong, just because it's wrong.  My daughter would hate me it I did that to her."

¥ "I imagine a child would feel angry and afraid of his parent if he was beaten with a belt."

 

       Cutting yourself off from your feelings is a common reaction to childhood abuse.  This is particularly easy for men because our socialization encourages us to do this in general.  If you can't get in touch with any feelings, don't despair.  If they are within you, they will eventually come to the surface.  Be patient.  

 

Looking at the Effects  

       Another important step in the healing process is to ask yourself;  "How are those experiences affecting my life today?"  Disclosing the abuse and your feelings about it can relieve you of tension.  Then can you begin to explore how to get beyond your intense feelings and change negative patterns of coping that have followed you into adulthood.  John describes this process after a number of years of counseling:

 

One way I would cope with my uncle sexually abusing me was to space out.  I would leave my body to him while I would go away in my heart and mind.  For many years, I would let myself be open sexually to women with whom I wasn't going to have a long term relationship.  Sex was less complicated and, therefore, more enjoyable.  When I got involved with a woman emotionally, I would find myself not being present when we were having sex.  I would think about other women, other things, work, friends, family, anything but her.  It became a way of removing myself.  Sex wasn't as satisfying as it was with other women with whom I wasn't as close.  It took me some time to realize this was a problem.  I never connected this to my being abused.  I just thought there was something wrong with the women I was with.  Now I still have the tendency to float but I am more aware of when it is happening and I can stop it before I am altogether gone.

 

I used to think that my uncle had taught me about sex through his masturbating me.  I never referred to it as abuse until one night.  I was dating this woman for about six weeks.  She was the first person I let myself fall for since my marriage.  I really opened up.  Well, about six weeks into things she decides to go back with her last boyfriend. I was really destroyed.  I felt so betrayed.  I began to realize that the feeling was familiar.  I couldn't figure it out.  I went home, it was a Friday night.  I went to a movie by myself and afterward I was feeling as anxious as ever.  I didn't understand it. 

                                                                       

I called my brother and asked him if he would meet me after work.  As I drove into town I began crying.  I realized how angry I was at my uncle for betraying my trust.  The experience with this woman reminded me of that hurt that I tried too hard to rationalize away.  When I got to the bar, I met my brother.  We walked into the back restaurant that was closed to the public and we sat down at a table.  I told him I had been sexually abused by our uncle.  The words just came out of my mouth.  I had never said those words before.  I will never forget his first words after I told him.  He asked if I was OK.  He was totally concerned about me.  It felt so safe to tell him.

                                                                       

He was the first person I admitted this too.  What was so ironic was that he and I were just getting close.  You see, he is a recovering alcoholic and he had stopped drinking about one month before.  He was beginning to acknowledge that he was an alcoholic.  I am so glad that I had him in my life at that moment.  My healing has been slow but progressing ever since that night.

 

       John never associated his sexual problems with his being sexually abused as a child. The sexual problems he experienced with women he wrote off as the woman's fault.  The betrayal he felt with the woman he was dating was so intense he began to wonder if his emotions were disproportionate to the event.  He began to ask himself, "Are these feelings coming from somewhere else?"  The thought of his uncle popped into his mind.  It took him only a few seconds to realize that he really felt angry at and betrayed by his uncle.  The words just came out of his mouth, "I was sexually abused."  Even though he felt uncomfortable saying the words, his gut told him it was true.  John had been in therapy for some time working on his marital problem in relationships, but the counseling took a different turn when he revealed his abuse to his therapist.  The focus at first was to understanding how his abuse affected him then and how it continued to plague his life as an adult.  Gadually he became more aware of his patterns and worked on changing those that continued to give him problems in relationships with lovers, friends and family, work and school. 

       Men come to terms with their abuse for different reasons.  It may be something that you read in a book or watched on television.  It may be as a result of a divorce or during an intensely positive or negative sexual experience.  A counselor, spouse, or friend may have brought this to your attention.  In any case a realization such as this can be often shocking, frightening, and painful.  But in most cases, the initial reaction is eventually followed by relief.

 

How Does the Abuse Affect You Today?

       In chapter 2 you read about the effects of abuse on children and adults.  How did your own experiences with abuse affect you then and today?  Effects can be feelings (anger, sadness, fear), attitudes ("I don't trust others" or "I like to be in control") or behaviors (sexual problems, aggression, substance abuse).  Try to come up with at least one effect within each category.  Once you have made your list write down how you how you would like to see yourself change.  For example:

 

¥ "I have a lot of anger as a result of my experiences." 

¥ "I don't trust people."

¥ "I have a drinking problem." 

 

¥ "I'd like to learn how to better express my anger and hopefully get beyond it."

¥ "I'd like to learn how to be more trusting."   

¥ "I'd like to get help for my drinking problem."

 

       During the Understanding phase of recovery you are likely to come face to face with unattractive parts of your personality.  Remember, every man, wounded or not, has skeletons in his closet that he is fearful or embarrassed to face.  However, coming to terms with these problems is how we grow and achieve greater levels of happiness and satisfaction.  The road is rocky but the final destination is worth the wait and the work.

 

Telling Others

       There is a great value to discussing your experiences with someone with whom you have a trusting relationship.  You may have often felt alone when you were being abused but you don't have to feel alone in your recovery.  When Mark first acknowledged that he was a victim of sexual abuse, he told his brother.  Although he had many close friends and relatives, he instinctively chose his brother.  Maybe it was because his brother had been in recovery for his alcoholism and he intuitively knew that his brother would be particularly supportive and helpful.  There wasn't going to be alcohol to get in the way of their relating on a meaningful level. 

       Jerry had been in group counseling for one year when he disclosed his physical abuse.  His father had died the previous week.  He had never told anyone that his father used to beat him regularly when he was a child.  When he came to group he dispassionately described the events surrounding his father's death.  The other members were amazed that he showed such little emotion.  After some prodding from several of the other group members, Jerry admitted that he was glad that his father was dead.  With encouragement he began to express why he hated his father.  He gave a number of reasons--such as, "He didn't play baseball with me"--that didn't seem to make sense.  When confronted on this issue Jerry looked at the therapist and said, "He beat me."  Jerry had never said those words to anyone before.  He never even said them to himself.  After describing several incidents, Jerry began to cry.  He cried for an hour and that wasn't enough.  That night Jerry began the process of healing from those experiences.

       Bret was at the movies with his wife, Leanne.  In the film a father was inappropriately fondling a male child.  Bret got up and left for a few minutes.  When he returned Leanne asked him where he went and he told her that he went to have a cigarette.  Although she had never seen Bret leave in the middle of the movie before, she decided to not say anything.  On the way home from the movie Bret was extremely quiet.  Although Leanne suspected that he was upset about something, she chose to not say anything until they got home.  Bret didn't want to talk, but Leanne kept pushing.  Bret complained about work, money, and all the other usual complaints but Leanne knew there was something else.  She asked if the scene with the father and boy disturbed him.  Bret asked, "Why would it?"  Leanne replied, "Because you have said that you thought your father did weird things to you when you were a child.  I never asked before because I thought it wasn't my business, but did he have sex with you?"  Bret stared at her.  No one had ever said those words before so bluntly.  He couldn't speak.  He wanted to say something but the words didn't come out. 

       For several weeks after that night, Bret was unable to concentrate on work or home activities.  All he could think about was how his father used to touch him in ways that felt good and bad.  It was very confusing.  He knew it was wrong but he let him do it just the same.  One night he came home from a particularly difficult day at work.  He walked into the kitchen where Leanne was preparing dinner and sat down at the table.  She turned around and asked if he was all right.  He asked her if he could see her therapist one time.  He told her, "I think I was abused."  So began the healing process for Bret.  Through his therapy it was discovered that Bret had sexually abused Leanne's daughter.  Although he was subsequently arrested and forced to go to counseling by the court, Bret made use of the circumstances to heal his own wounds.

       Each of these men told someone else about their childhood abuse and that experience alone had a dramatic impact on their recovering from the effects.  Who can you tell?  This is an important question you need to ask yourself.  When you choose a person think about what is it that you want from them.  Do you want them simply to listen, or do you want advice?  You may also want someone who will challenge you or push you to do something about your situation.  Perhaps you just want to be held and supported.  Take some time to decide what it is that you want from disclosing the abuse.  Knowing this will help you decide who it is you want to tell.

 

Who Can You Tell?

       You may discover that you intuitively know who to tell about the abuse.  Maybe you will gravitate toward a lover, friend, or family member whom you can trust with this special knowledge.  Perhaps you could only talk about it with a counselor, or someone who has also gone through a similar experience.  Think about all the possible people you could tell prior to making a decision.

       Jerry decided to tell his spouse about his childhood abuse.  He felt that she would be most supportive because she was, in his own words,  "my best friend."  Mark told his best male friend.  He wasn't in an intimate relationship at the time and his best friend was someone who he could tell anything.  Sam told his therapist and John told his brother.  Barry went directly to the person who abused him, his father who denied it.  Unfortunately Barry was not feeling self-confident at the time and fell into a deep depression.  It took him some time to get himself back together.  Evan told his father that he had been sexually abused by his mother.  The father became hysterical and Evan ended up taking care of him by trying to calm him down and reassure him.  Evan's needs were never met by his father.  Michael also went directly to his father and confronted him right after admitting to his counselor that he was abused.  The discussion quickly escalated into an argument and a physical fight.    Although the person who abused you could be a source of emotional support in your life now, I would recommend thinking twice before going to that person with your initial disclosure.  There may be a time to talk with that person in the future,  but it's better to wait until you have spent time deciding what you want to say and how you may deal with all the possible reactions.  

       After you decide who you want to tell, it is important to decide what you want to say.  It is not necessary to give details.  You may only want to say, "My father physically abused me" or "My uncle sexually abused me."  Details are not as important as just letting the person know that this happened, how you are feeling inside, and what you need help with.  If you feel comfortable giving details, do so but don't feel obligated if the person you are talking to wants to hear specifics.  All you have to do is say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about specifics right now." 

       You may want to preface your disclosure by letting the person know you want from them:

 

¥ "I want you to just listen and not respond."

¥ "I need your advice about what to do next."

 

       Time and place is also a consideration. For example, you may not want to plan your disclosure when going out to eat in a restaurant or when there is little time to discuss reactions.  It is important to be sensitive to the other person's needs.  Michael wanted to talk with his spouse about being physically and psychologically abused by his father.  It was late at night, and his wife was exhausted after a full day's work, she was coming down with the flu.  Not only was it not the best time for her but, given her condition, he was not likely to get the support and attention that he needed.  Find out from the other person when is a good time. Then set the time and do it.

      

If You Have No One to Tell

       If you are fortunate enough to have a spouse, lover, or close friend with whom you can discuss this issue, your healing process will move along that much easier.  The process of healing your wounds within the context of an intimate relationship or close friendship can deepen the bond and increase communication and intimacy;  but it can not replace the additional benefit of personal counseling with a professional trained in the area of abuse or joining a support group for men abused as children.  Therefore, if you don't have that special someone in your life, you may want to consider joining a support group or seeing a professional counselor.  (See Appendix One for a discussion of why counseling is a useful tool for change and how to go about finding a therapist who meets your needs.)

       You may feel that asking for help is equivalent to acknowledging defeat.  You may be thinking, "I should be able to do it on my own" or "What can a counselor or another person tell me that I don't already know?" "Why see someone who is as fucked up as me?" or "Only sick people go to counselors."   These misconceptions will only serve to impede your healing journey.  You shouldn't have to do it on your own.  Asking for help is not only helpful but necessary.  We can all stand to learn from someone who is objective and removed from our situation, especially if that person has traveled the same road. 

 

Chapter Five          

Healing Through Feelings

 

 

       Facing painful inner feelings is one of the most difficult aspects of your healing process yet doing so brings great rewards. All men are under social pressure to use their thinking rather than their feeling modes to solve personal problems but this is not an either/or proposition. Your first reward will come in the relief you experience by letting the pressure out. Learning to identify and communicate your feelings in a positive way will help to raise self-esteem and prevent destructive behaviors. It also means better communication and fewer arguments with your partner.

       Getting in touch with your feelings does not mean that you should forget about your thinking skills altogether. In fact a strong thinking function will help to calm you down when you're feeling possessed by strong feelings. The key is balance; learning how to use both your thinking and feeling modes. You do this by first learning how to identify and communicate your feelings on a daily basis. Once you have this skill you can call upon it when you think it's appropriate.

       For example, one night Jerry began snapping at his wife and blaming her for all kinds of problems. This unusual behavior made him wonder if something was going on inside that he wasn't recognizing. He thought about it for a while and realized that he was angry about an incident that had occurred earlier at work. He apologized to his wife for snapping at her, and started talking about his problem at work. She gave him support and even a suggestion or two on how to solve the problem with his boss. Jerry had to use his thinking skills to get to his feelings. Thinking helped him discover that he was not angry with his wife, but was turning his anger at his boss onto her. He knew that he needed to talk about his problem openly so that he wouldn't keep taking it out on his wife.

       A week later, Jerry's thinking skills actually kept him from escalating an argument with his wife. One day she came home in a nasty mood and began blaming him for this and that. He felt that she was attacking him unfairly, and began to get really mad. Suddenly, however, he realized that she was acting just as he had the week before. Instead of reacting to her anger, he began to think; and he asked her if something had happened at work that she needed to talk about. That question stopped her dead in her tracks. When she started thinking about it, she realized that her day had been particularly difficult.

       If you work on balancing your feeling and thinking skills you will be able to call on either or both to respond to a situation. It's as if you had a hammer and a screwdriver, but insisted on doing all your building with just the hammer. You might be able to do it, but the task will be more difficult than it needs to be and the end product probably won't be what you want.

 

Learning How to Hide Your Feelings

       As a child hiding your feelings protected you from the ever-present emotional pain or the actual physical pain of abuse. It was easier to deny your feelings than to face being rejected or criticized for them.

       Although you are probably not consciously repressing your feelings today, the old habit has not become automatic. Even so, it can take quite a bit of energy to keep your feelings in check. Bret, Michael and Rob exemplify what avoidance of feeling can do to a life.

       Bret was sexually abused by his stepfather from age seven through thirteen. The abuse was at times so physically painful that he learned how to escape his body through using his imagination. He would fantasize about flying high above his home and community, where no one could reach him. Today he still has trouble remembering incidents of abuse because mentally he wasn't there. When Bret became an adult, his fantasy world did not end. In fact the pressures of marriage, children and work led him to further withdraw from everyone around him. He habitually lied to everyone with whom he was close. He was extremely cold and withdrawn from his family. His sexual relationship with his wife was practically nonexistent and he would have frequent affairs with women he didn't know. His whole world began to cave in when his wife left him for another man. In his second marriage he was arrested for sexually molesting his stepdaughter.

       Michael, a juvenile probation officer, realized through his work that he had been physically and psychologically abused by his father. As a child he quickly learned that if he showed any feelings he would get hit longer and harder. His dad used to yell at him, "Stop crying, you sissy. Take it like a man!" Michael is in treatment for alcoholism and spouse abuse. He never shows his feelings. If he can't solve a problem intellectually, it's not worth solving. His wife, in contrast, is very expressive of her feelings. They get into numerous arguments because when she expresses herself, he feels under attack, defensive, and at times to explodes in a fit of anger--just as he was taught by his father. When he couldn't reason with his wife, he would avoid coming home altogether.

       Rob, a forty-year-old lawyer, was psychologically abused by both his mother and grandparents who raised him. He learned that if he was compliant and didn't ask them for anything, he could sometimes avoid having to deal with them.  Rob learned early on that the more agreeable he became the less flack he'd get from others. Rob was known to friends and coworkers as a hard worker. He could always be counted on when extra work needed to be done. He would never say no. At home he was the epitome of the good husband: He was always fixing this or that, he cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids; he was a super-husband. He was so responsible he would even clean up other people's messes at work and at home. He was constantly letting himself be taken advantage of by others. Although he appeared content on the outside, something was eating away at him from the inside. He had numerous physical ailments--the only way he was able to complain--and he was a workaholic who made no time to relax or do the things that he enjoyed. Because he wouldn't burden his wife with his problems he felt alone in the world. Stress cause his body to deteriorate and he had his first heart attack when he was only thirty-six.

       Bret, Michael and Rob have all carried with them into adulthood coping strategies that they developed as children to control or accommodate the abuse they experienced.  Each man developed "feeling avoidance" patterns early on that resulted in similar patterns as adults. Ask yourself if you do any of the following:

 

¥ Do you think away your feelings?

¥ Do you drink away your feelings?

¥ Do you get high to avoid feelings?

¥ Do you use fantasy to avoid feelings?

¥ Are you numb to your feelings?

¥ Do you have trouble knowing how you are feeling?

¥ Do you have sex to avoid feelings?

¥ Do you work to avoid feelings?

¥ Do you rationalize your feelings?

¥ Do you never spend time alone to avoid feelings?

¥ Do you avoid intimate relationships to avoid feeling?

 

       If you don't deal with your repressed or avoided feelings, both those left over from your childhood and those that occur today, you will be more likely to experience the long-term effects of childhood abuse.

 

How Do You Avoid Your Feelings?

       Write down ten ways in which you avoid your feelings. Try to be as specific as possible. Note how each way actually helps you to avoid dealing with your feelings. For example:

 

¥ I drink to avoid my feelings. It's easier to just zone out after having a few beers.

¥ I think to avoid my feelings. If I think them away they don't bother me as much.

¥ I work to avoid my feelings. I'm so busy I don't have time to think about them.

 

        Confronting your feelings is an important aspect of all four stages of healing: awareness, understanding, education and transformation. First, it is important to become aware of and communicate all feelings. It is also crucial that you understand how your feeling avoidance patterns grew out of necessary childhood survival skills. Once you are able to identify the particular ways in which you avoid your feelings, you will be able to recognize them quicker and ultimately change them through learning new communication skills.

       Finally, in the process of changing these patterns, a transformation will occur. You will have a greater balance in your life and you will feel empowered, because you will have more options as to how you will respond to situations. And, most important, you will be less emotionally restricted by your own past experiences.

       However, in spite of the potentially positive benefits of accepting and working with your feelings, you may have difficulty understanding why it is important for you to change this pattern. Imagine that after a heavy rain you go downstairs to your basement and discover a few leaks. You grab the mop and clean up. But what if you discover a flood? You are likely to feel fairly overwhelmed. If you could get away with it, you'd probably go back upstairs, close the door, and forget about the mess. Perhaps you might think, "There's nothing down there of value and I never used the basement anyway." You could forget about the flood and hope that it would eventually go away. You wouldn't have to get your feet wet and begin the long, arduous task of cleaning up. If you were to actually leave the water in your basement, however, the damage to the house could be irreparable.

       In the same way, ignoring your feelings can create damage in your life.  A flood of feelings are in your basement and the door is locked shut. You don't need to go down there to get your job done. You don't even need to go there to find a partner and have a family. You lost the key a long time ago, so you couldn't even get in if you wanted to.

       So why go down? Why bother with all that work? Because you want to heal. If you don't deal with your feelings appropriately you are likely to take them out on others by becoming an abuser yourself. Going down in the basement--getting in touch with your feelings and communicating them--has helped many men heal from the pain of childhood abuse.

 

Identifying Your Feelings

       Feelings are physical reactions to events that tell us how those events are affecting us. We use many words to describe feelings: happy, sad, angry, afraid, lonely, hurt, content. Some words describe degrees of feelings. For example, "irritated" may mean just a little angry, and "outraged" very angry; or "blue" may mean just a little sad, and "depressed" overwhelmingly sad.

       Feelings are not simply an intellectual experience; they are something you feel in your body. Each feeling has a physiological component, such as the nervous stomach that accompanies fear or the tension in the chest and arms that signals anger. Part of  learning to identify your feelings is to get more in touch with your physical sensations. Feelings usually travel in groups; rarely do we feel only one emotion.

 

Label Your Physical Responses

       The first step in learning to identify feelings is to label your physical responses to situations. Every feeling has a physical component that you can use to help identify that feeling:

 

¥ tightness in the stomach, chest, head, neck, arms, or other body parts

¥ lightheadedness

¥ "butterflies" in the stomach

¥ hot or cold sensations

¥ heaving or light rapid breathing

¥ heart pounding

 

How do you feel when you experience these physical sensations? Does tightness in your chest mean fear? Do butterflies in your stomach indicate anxiety? Your physical signs may differ according to the feeling you are experiencing. Get to know what they are saying to you.

 

Identify Your Behavioral Responses 

       The next step is to identify your behavioral responses to feelings. Do you get loud when you are angry or sulk when sad? Do you tend to withdraw when you are frightened or get critical when you are feeling anxious? Your behavior signs may be obvious or subtle depending on the feeling and the intensity of that feeling.

       Behavioral responses to anger, for example, include the following:

 

¥ sulking

¥ yelling

¥ withdrawal

¥ physical violence

¥ criticism

      

       Tom would get a knot in his stomach when he was feeling anger. He also knew he was feeling angry by the tightness in his chest and the hot feeling in his head. Behaviorally he would act cold and distant. Sometimes he would become critical and verbally abusive. "I never thought that it was OK to tell someone that I was angry. I figured they were going to think I was starting a fight or something. I especially hated to hurt someone's feelings with my anger. But it turned out that I would hurt them anyhow with my coldness and criticisms."

 

       When you are not able to identify and communicate your feelings, you are expressing them anyway--but they are out of your control.  When Tony was finally able to acknowledge that he had been physically abused as a child, he discovered a reservoir of anger. But he was so afraid of confronting that raw emotion that he refused to recognize it. Unfortunately, it began leaking out everywhere. He made hostile comments at work, he didn't follow through with his commitments, he constantly criticized his wife and children. Everyone felt and experienced his anger. But when friends asked Tony if he was angry, he would respond, "I'm feeling fine."  For Tony to acknowledge his anger he also had to acknowledge the degree to which his experience had affected him, reexperience the old hurt and feelings of betrayal. Many years ago Tony had decided to "take it like a man" and not let it get the best of him. It wasn't until he realized that his fear of his feelings was getting the best of him that he was able to become less tense, more tolerant of others, and more comfortable with himself.

 

Wounded Men and Anger

       Anger is a powerful emotion that you are likely to experience during your healing journey, yet you may have a great deal of difficulty recognizing and communicating it. In order to get more comfortable with your anger it's important to look at what it is, where it comes from, and why it is so helpful to recognize and communicate it to yourself and others.

 

What Is Anger?

       Anger is an emotion that is usually provoked by an event, interaction, or thought. You can tell you are angry because it causes a physiological reaction. You feel anger; it is not just an intellectual experience. 

       Think about a time when you definitely felt angry. What sensations did you feel in your body? How did you behave?

 

Where Does Anger Come From?

       Anger is a normal reaction to a grossly abnormal situation. It is a common reaction to being abused because abuse is a violation of trust and it causes a great deal of physical and emotional pain. But for many abused children expressing anger is simply not an option because doing so may cause more abuse and generate more anger. So they learn to avoid it at all costs.

       You may be afraid of becoming violent if you get in touch with your anger. This fear may be justified if your experiences with expressing it have been negative.

       Much of what we intellectually know about anger, as well as other feelings, is learned--or not learned--in our families. So it may be helpful for you to look at how your family handled anger. This is Barry's story:

 

One time I told my mother that I was mad at her, and she immediately slapped me in the face and sent me to my room. I wasn't allowed to tell them anything when it came to feelings. They weren't even interested. Whenever my dad would get mad he'd throw things about--including my mother--and we would all run for cover. So I learned two modes: Shut up and go to my room, or go nuts. That's what I have been doing all my life. I try to communicate my anger directly, but it's not natural to me. I still want to go to my room or kick ass. It reminds me of when I first stopped drinking. I was able to stop after a while, but the urge to anesthetize myself was strong and kept coming back for years.

 

       Barry is right about comparing the urge to drink with the urge to resort to old patterns of coping with anger. However, we know that the longer a person stays sober the less urge there is to drinks. Likewise, if you begin to change your pattern of dealing with anger, those old urges to hide away or act out will eventually become less strong.  Through counseling Barry found a safe place where he could begin to express himself without getting punished or abused. Eventually he was able to express his anger outside the counseling office with his wife, his friends, and even with his family.

 

How Did Your Family Express Anger?

       Think about the messages your father and mother gave you about expressing anger. Were these feelings ever discussed? Answer each question below.

 

¥ How did your father express his anger? Give several examples.

¥ How did your mother express her anger? Give several examples.

¥ How did your siblings express their anger? Give several examples.

¥ Was it OK for you to express your anger? If you weren't able to express it directly, what did you do with it?

 

Why Recognize and Communicate Anger?                   

       Anger is a common emotion that all people feel at one time or another.  It is not just a privilege of wounded men. When something upsets us we are likely to feel angry. Therefore, long after healing, you are bound to come across situations that cause you to feel angry. This is why it is important to learn how to recognize and communicate your feelings.

       If we do not properly recognize and deal with anger it sits and festers and eventually leaks out. This can lead to periodic abusive explosions, stress-related disease, and addictions. Think about it. Have there been times when your anger has seemed to just come out of nowhere? Have you found your body developing aches and pains from holding it in? Do you blow up at others? Do you feel good about the way you deal with anger? Do your family and friends feel good about the way you deal with anger?

        Anger is likely to surface when you begin talking about your childhood abuse. At first it may be diffuse or generalized. You don't know who you're angry at or why, but you know that you are feeling it. Or it may be directed toward your abuser or other family members for not protecting you. During this time you should take the opportunity to learn how to deal with your anger in a positive and constructive manner.

 

Anger Is Necessary

       Feeling pain is actually necessary for survival. When you have a physical problem your body responds so that your mind will take note: I need a doctor, or I need to lie down, or I need to take some medicine. Anger gets our attention in the same way.  It tells us when someone is stepping on our toes either literally or symbolically and its very presence demands a response: simple recognition, verbal response, physical fighting, or leaving the situation.

       If we ignore anger it can intensify over time. Unresolved anger can lead to a variety of problems, from violence and chemical abuse to depression and hostility. Anger that goes unchecked is also stressful to your body, and can cause physical problems such as ulcers, headaches, back pain, and a host of other ailments. In an intimate relationship repressed anger can cause emotional outbursts and emotional distance. Sexuality problems may also be related to repressed anger.